AMUSEMENT PARK AREA 1

You are now in the amusement park section. Here you will find humorous and funny information obtained by the Administrator (and others) for your viewing pleasure. Please note some of the information here might disturb sensitive viewers.

The following were received from a medical-fund who got some of the strangest messages, if they are to be believed:

1. I cannot get any medical relief. I got six children. Could you please inform me why?

2. Miss X doesn't have any clothes. She hasn't had anything for a year. The pastor visits her regularly.

3. Sir, I am sending my wedding certificate and two children, of which one is a mistake, as you will see.

4. I must get my money as soon as possible. I have been in bed with the doctor for a week and it doesn't seem as if he is doing me any good.

5. Please find out if my husband is dead, since the man with whom I am living together doesn't want to eat or do anything else until he is sure.

6. In complying with your orders I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Workers at the British Gas Department got the most remarkable letters from clients who got gas-appliances. They report problems like:

1. I don't like it so much in the kitchen as I did in the shop window.

2. My husband is pretty handy but he says your men can do it better because of their tools.

3. It has got very slack with use and my husband can't make it tight no matter how hard he tries, so for the time being we are making do with an old gas ring.

4. I told my husband it was safe to leave it in all night but he won't. If he comes to the showroom like I did, can the lady satisfy him behind the counter and talk him out of it?

5. Since you put a new pipe from the mains to our house, me and my husband dread going to bed because of a slight discharge. We think there is a leak just after it enters.

6. It is about time your workmen came back to fill the hole because we are fed up with having it in the street. It is a big attraction and we are getting children by the dozen.

In non-English speaking countries the following notices prove Exile isn't the only one who struggles with English.

1. Hotel in Acapulco, Mexico: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

2. Hotel in Paris, France: Please leave your values at the front desk.

3. Hotel in Tokyo: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

4. Hotel in Moscow: If this is your first visit to the Soviet Union, then you are welcome to it.

5. Ladies Bar in Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

6. Bar in Tokyo: Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.

7. Swiss Restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

8. Drycleaners in Bangkok: Drop your trousers here for best results.

9. Temple in Bangkok: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

10. Donkey-hiring area in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

11. Dentist in Hong Kong: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

12. Airliner in Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

13. Shop in England (Yes, even there): This shop is run by the Church. Watch your step.

From Menus.com and its partner, RestuarantRow.com, a list of typos found while proofreading menus.

1. Soup of the dog.

2. Served on a warm nun.

3. Kindly beans.

4. Dark meat of chicken - two things and two legs.

5. Pork with geek and garlic.

6. Kids' menu (served to chicken under 12)

7. Curried lamp and rice.

8. Scared breasts of chicken.

9. Cork chops.

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetence can be highly entertaining. (Special thanks to Emeraldwyn for this)

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of
my car.

13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

A very humorous Star Trek custom image, courtesy of Daniel Morales.

In one of New York Magazine's competition features, edited by Mary Ann Madden, readers were asked for silly headlines containing self-defeating logic. Here are some of the contributions:

MARCH PLANNED FOR NEXT AUGUST

BLIND BISHOP APPOINTED TO SEE

LINGERIE SHIPMENT STOLEN, THIEF GIVES POLICE THE SLIP

VOTERS APPROVE URBAN RENEWAL BY LANDSLIDE

PATIENT AT DEATH'S DOOR, DOCTORS PULL HIM THROUGH

LATIN COURSE TO BE CANCELLED - NO INTEREST AMONG STUDENTS ET AL

NAPPY MARKET BOTTOMS OUT

GROUPIERS ON STRIKE, MANAGEMENT:"NO BIG DEAL"

REAGAN TO PLUG LEAKS, SOURCE REVEALS

STADIUM AIR CONDITIONING FAILS, FANS PROTEST

A set of oddball advertisements that have really appeared in newspapers.

Another amusing fact about Microsoft Windows:

Subject: NO, WINDOWS IS NOT A VIRUS.
IS WINDOWS A VIRUS ??
NO, WINDOWS IS NOT A VIRUS. HERE'S WHAT VIRUSES
(VIRI?) DO:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh...Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus. It's a BUG!

How's that again?

1. Report on a tennis match in The Times Of India, New Delhi:"Zeeshan played well in patches, but even his good shorts were missing in this game."

2. News item in the Chronicle, Wanganui, New Zealand:"A 24-year-old man who has 'pulled himself up by his own bootstraps' was given a 12-month suspended sentence."

3. Advertisement in a newspaper:"Stainless steel water filter gives germs,free crystal clear water."

4. In a church newsletter:"The Visiting Committee reported they visited as many isolated people as they could, but some were not at home."

5. Help wanted advertisement in the Reveille/Lake Sun, Camdenton, Montana:"Singer for new rock band. Must be male or female."

6. Classified advertisement:"ALGIERS SEAFOOD MARKET - Best Little Seafood Restaurant in Town. Thursday's lunch special - turkey and mashed potatoes."

Each year at the Frankfurt Book Fair, a special watch is kept for improbable titles. In his book Quote... Unquote 3, Nigel Rees lists some of the most intriguing:

1. A Pictorial Book of Tongue Coatings

2. A Full Account of God's Dealings With George Whitefield

3. New Guinea Tapeworms and Jewish Grandmothers

4. Instructions for the Best Positions on the Pianoforte

5. Eat Your House

6. Entertaining With Insects

7. Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice

8. The Biochemist's Songbook

9. Buddhism in Fifteen Minutes

10. The Interpretation of Geological Time From the Evidence of Fossilized Elephant Droppings in Eastern Europe

A handy lexicon for what every budding gardener should know:

Annaul. Any plant that dies before blooming.

Aphid. Insect pest that inphests gardens and makes gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their pheet and utter phour-letter words.

Bed. 1. Where most prized flowering perennials are located. 2. Where most gardeners are located when they hear rabbits in 1.

Catalogues. Forms of entertaining fiction published by nurseries, seedsmen and tool manufactures.

Fence. Barrier erected to protect garden produce against animal pests that lack wings, paws, teeth or brains and cannot leap, tunnel, climb or fly.

Fertilizer. Plant food. The feeding procedure is complicated, but the few essential facts about fertilizers can be mastered quickly. Just remember the numbers three, two and five. They refer to: the three basic types - messy, stinky and messy/stinky; the two sizes available - trial (100-gram packet) and economy (100-kilogram sack); and the five methods of application - too much, too little, too early, too late and wrong kind.

Fruit. General term for the seedbearing part of a plant that is eaten by birds or worms, drops off, rots, gets funny spots, isn't what was pictured in the catalogue, tastes like a glove or doesn't appear at all.

Furrow. Horizontal line on forehead of gardener.

Garden. One of a vast number of free outdoor restaurants operated by charity-minded amateurs to provide healthy, balanced meals for insects, birds and animals.

Green Fingers. Common condition suffered by gardeners in which the skin of the fingers develops a greenish hue from handling large sums of money at nurseries.

Hoe. Gardening tool whose name derives from the fact that when its blade is stepped on, its handle delivers a sharp rap to the gardener's brow, at which point he cries "Ho!"

Hose. Crude but effective, totally safe type of scythe towed through gardens to flatten flowerbeds.

Mulch. Material placed round the base of a plant to keep it moist and warm. Wood chips, leaf matter and even unwanted printed matter may be used. Note: The text printed onto paper by computer printers contains coloured ink and may damage plants.

Nursery. The only known place where money grows on trees.

Perennial. Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed year after year.

Potato. The ideal vegetable. Not bitter, stringy, pulpy, sour or gritty. It can be boiled, fried, baked, roasted, creamed or mashed. It is even tasty served as a salad. Best of all, since potatoes of excellent quality are available all the year round at reasonable prices, there is absolutely no reason whatever to grow them - in fact, there is a very good reason not to.

Potato Blight. The very good reason not to.

Root. 1. Subsurface part of a weed inadvertently left in the ground when the upper part is removed, thus resulting in the weed's speedy regrowth. 2. Any subsurface part of an ornamental shrub, or tree, a small portion of which is inadvertently left in the ground when the specimen is transplanted, thus resulting in the plant's rapid death.

Rot. Gardening advice.

Seed. Highly nutritious form of bird food sold in handsome packets.

Stake. Hard, tasteless garden product that generally constitutes the bulk of the harvest after visits by rabbits, birds, squirrels and buck.

Tools. Gardening implements that have a distinct life cycle: active phase (one to 12 weeks), marked by appearance of blisters on hands and bruises on legs of user; metamorphosis phase (12 to 14 weeks), during which the handle suddenly breaks at the point where it is joined to the metal working end; and dormant phase (14 weeks to 20 years), spent by the two halves of the tool in a dark corner of the shed.

Vermin. Any creature that eats green vegetables voluntarily.

Weed. Any plant that will survive at least one week without being watered, fertilized, pruned, sprayed, staked, mulched, misted, dusted or wrapped in sacking, paper or plastic.

Zzzz. 1. Sound produced by dozing gardener. 2. Sound produced by bee trapped in dozing gardener's trouser leg.

The following is a collection of the odd goings-on and strange stories from around the world:

Feathered Invaders: It was a scene right out of Alfred Hitchcock's movie classic The Birds. As they switched on the light in their living room, Michael and Wendy Glover of Sylmar, California, found their walls and furniture blanketed with small, dark-coloured birds. Some 2000 migrating Vaux's swifts had swooped down the chimney into their home. "Most were asleep," said Michael, "but those that were awake flew all around us."
It took several officers from the City of Los Angeles Department of Animal Regulation four hours to clear out the birds; the Glovers spent four weeks cleaning up the mess and repainting.

Pie From the Sky: Becky Farrar of Hinckley, Illinois, returned home to find a hole in the ceiling of her newly remodelled kitchen and a smashed pumpkin all over the floor.
An investigation led sheriff's deputies to a pair of skydivers who had accidentally dropped a pumpkin they were passed back and fourth during a Halloween free fall.

Take the Zzz Train: A barefooted 11-year-old boy, whose mother says he sleepwalks, was discovered walking along the railway line nearly 160 kilometres from his home in Danville, Illinois. The boy had hopped on a goods train in Danville and had ended up in Peru, Indiana. According to the police, he remembered nothing of his trip. Said Chief Bill Page, "He woke up, got off, and thought he was still in Danville."
The boy's mother said that he had never walked outside in his sleep before.

Car Chases Its Tail: A bizarre episode began when the headmistress of a primary school outside Washington, D.C., drove her car into the school's circular driveway.
In a hurry to pick something up, she got out of the car, leaving the motor running. After she shut the car door, the gear somehow slipped into reverse. That sent the driverless car backwards around the circle, where it orbited hundreds of times, headlights on, for two and a half hours, as police puzzled over the problem.
Finally a tow truck was summoned. The driver, deftly manoeuvring, hooked the car's bumper with the truck's lifting device. The car's rear wheels were then raised off the ground and the runaway vehicle brought to a halt.
Neither vehicle was damaged, but the car owner's pride was injured. "It isn't funny," she said.

Swan 1, Russians 0: In a strange aerial dogfight over Siberia, a swan attacked a Soviet helicopter carrying gas-pipeline workers. For 13 minutes, the bird followed the chopper's every move, finally forced the crew to change landing sites.

Falling Down on the Job: In Chicago, an 81-year man, employed as a parking attendant for 46 years, accidentally drove a car through a first-floor wall of a parking garage, striking a fire escape and a parked van before landing six metres below in an alley.
But Cornelius Robinson, the driver, walked away from the damaged car without a scratch.
"It was incredible," said First Battalion Fire Chief William Crawford. "We were even able to drive the car after the accident. It wasn't in great shape, but it was drivable."

Cherry Bombs: Black-cherry yoghurt seems a harmless enough food, but shoppers at a grocery store in Britain received a real shock when containers of yoghurt suddenly began to explode and splatter them. Apparently too much yeast in the yoghurt formula can be a blast.

Bird in Hand: It started when Donald Hudson of Midland, Michigan, suddenly noticed his morning newspaper was moving. A bird had nestled into the plastic-covered paper before Hudson picked it up from his lawn and put it on the car seat beside him. He stopped the car and shifted into neutral to let the bird go.
He had one leg out of the door when the gear slipped and the car began to move. Hudson's other foot and trouser leg were stucked under the seat, so he tried hopping down the road to keep up. In the process, his trousers slipped halfway down.
Finally Hudson's foot came loose, and he fell out of the car and hit his head on the pavement. The vehicle kept going and ploughed into a neighbour's veranda.

Solo Flight: There was one problem when a single-engine propeller plane took off from a small airstrip near Sackets Harbour, New York: the pilot was left behind.
Douglas Youngs had flooded the engine when he tried to start it. So he turned off the magnetos, opened the throttle and cranked the propeller backwards to force out excess fuel. When he went back to turn on the magnetos, he forgot to close the throttle first. The engine started up, and the plane lurched across the airstrip and into an adjacent maize field, dragging Youngs for 150 metres while he tried, unsuccessfully, to get in and stop it.
Youngs watched as the plane took off, climbed in a spiral and disappeared. It was found up a tree, 100 kilometres away.

Trunk and Disorderly: A dozen hungry Indian elephants tramped into a village in the state of Assam where they discovered barrels of Ioa pani - a beer made from rice. They imbibed all the hooch and become so intoxicated they fell asleep.
The elephants left in the morning, no doubt hung over from their escapade. But they returned that evening in search of more beer.

A satirical look at the current political climate going on at the moment. (Thank you to McCracken for supplying this information).

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

Beijing (SatireWire.com) – Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil,” Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the “Axis of Just as Evil,” which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of during his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. “Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. “Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil… we’re the best.”

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. “They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. “An Axis can’t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s a tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool!”

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda, and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all of the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries that Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed To Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. “That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do,” said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in “Guay,” accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.

The Top Ten Hit Movies In Iraq:

10. "You've Got Veil"

9. "There's Sanctions Against Mary"

8. "Honey, I Martyred the Kids"

7. "I Still Know What You Did Last Ramadan"

6. "How Saddam Hussein Got His Chemical Weapons Back"

5. "Kurdz"

4. "Arranged Bride of Chucky"

3. "Patch Saddams"

2. "Turban Cowboy"

1. "The Waterboy"

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

Q: This "myasthenia graves", does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said: "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did it upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do?
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere...

Pre-historic IT, in the style of Flintstones.

These are excerpts from actual letters sent to the council by council building dwellers in Johannesburg:

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.

We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get SABC2.

I try to take just one day at a time but lately several days have attacked me at once!!

The following is from an article in a Reader's Digest called "Inflected Rats and Other Historical Tragedies", by Anders Henriksson.

Those who forget history - and the English language - may be condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five-year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his first-year students' more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narrative from the Middle Ages to the present.

During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle-aged. Church and state were cooperatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs. After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside. The Crusades were expaditions by Christians who were seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.

In the year 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. The plague also helped the emergance of English as the national language of England, France and Italy.

The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilize himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out their doors. Renaisance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.

The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented that tithes were going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. The popes were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the nineteenth century.

After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold that would include Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus surrounding France. The German Emperor's lower pssage was blocked by the French for years and years.

Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia, the seventeenth century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothers to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people; orthodox priests became government antennae.

The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious tolerance which was slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution catapulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.

History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a population of one million people, two million able bodies were on the loose. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment. Voting was to be done by ballad.

A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Culture formented from Europe's tip to its top. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and when he died they labelled his seat "historical".

The First World War broke out around 1912 - 1914. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted Russia.

Germany was displaced after the First World War. This gave rise to Hitler, who remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish with Germany and France. Moosealini rested his foundations on eight million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium and Russian invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wiped out, and their forlorne families were left to pick the peaces.

The last stage is us.

15 amusing things to do at the Pick 'n Pay (or Wal-Mart, if you live outside South Africa).

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares",...and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a box of Smarties on lay-bye.

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say: "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again".

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly ... "Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"

Six horoscopes for those who enjoy the Playstation 2 and even those who don't have one.

1. Capricorn

You are much too conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid at all costs standing still for long periods of time, as they tend to attract the pigeons that delight in decorating statues.

Free Star Tip This Month: Capricorn men and women are great janitors (wipe left wipe right).

2. Aquarius

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid.

Free Star Tip This Month: Aquarius men and women are great pets!!

3. Pisces

You have a vivid imagination and often thinks the CIA or FBI is following you. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting what little power you have. You lack confidence and generally are a coward.

Free Star Tip This Month: Pisces men and women are great bathroom accessories.

4. Aries

It's time to move on, you are worthless to society and the time you spend pondering the fact that pigs really can't fly has left you num inside with very little feelings at all. Time to get out the shovel and start digging that hole. You will have people lining up to cover it when you are finished.

Free Star Tip This Month: Aries men and women make great statues!!

5. Taurus

You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scorn advice. You are a prize date and all the moms love you (right!!!).
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell (when you work... right!!!). You turn most people off because you are stubborn and bull-headed and won't listen to reason even though you know you're wrong.

Free Star Tip This Month: Taurus men and women make great thieves or politicians.

6. Gemini

You are quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are yum... well some like you because you have cool PS games! However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. You are notorious for thriving on borrowing games and never returning them.

Free Star Tip This Month: Gemini men and women are great loan sharks!!

7. Cancer

You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things of; that's why you're always broke. Needless to say people find you boring and avoid you like a plague even if you have the latest edition of UnderGround Station Magazine.

Free Star Tip This Month: Cancer men and women are great monks!!!

8. Leo

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are van and cannot tolerate honest criticism and love your own reflection, sound of your voice and cheat at all the games. You are a babe!

Free Star Tip This Month: Leo men and women are great teachers (yeah right man)

9. Virgo

You are a logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep in way cool movies (???).

Free Star Tip This Month: Virgos make good bus drivers (beep beep dude)

10. Libra

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. Chances for unemployment are excellent, in fact you well be the coolest sign of them all with little to no chance of ever passing grade 11. You PS skills should be AWESOME!

Free Star Tip This Month: Libra men and women are great pedestrians (walk the walk man)

11. Scorpio

You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are tied down and beaten at once.

Free Star Tip This Month: Scorpio men and women are great golfers (swing baby swing)

12. Sagittarius

You are optimistic and enthusiastic types. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are great actors and songwriters. You trust in people too much and can't see wrong in your fellow man. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting fooled.

Free Star Tip This Month: Sagittarius men and women are great... hey man we will get back to you... right!!!

Some amusing anagrams (words or phrases that are rearranged without adding or leaving out any of the original letters).

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

More examples of "Engrish" from around the world:

On an Athi River Highway:
"Take Notice: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On a poster at Kencom:
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

In a city restaurant:
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

In a cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

Tokyo hostel's Rules and Regulations:
"Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed."

Catholic elementary school children were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. These have not been retouched or corrected for spelling.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world, sohe took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created froman apple tree.

3. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on in pears.

4. Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day but a ball of fire by night.

5. Samson was a strongman who leg himself be led astray by a Jezelbel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines withthe axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread whichis bread, without any ingredients.

8. the first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

9. the seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

10. moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

11. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

12. David wa a Hebrew king skilled atplaying the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

13. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

14. When Mary heard that she was themogher of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

15. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus with the manager.

16. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

17. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

18. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

19. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

20. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

21. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

22. Christians have only one spouse this is called monotony.

Cricket is apparently an inspiration for those who write and broadcast about it. A few cricket quotes, both above and below the belt:

1. Another one and he can take the new ball - A famous British fastbowler after he, during a tour of the sheik kingdoms, was told that one leader has 199 wives.

2. The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willy - BBC-commentator Brian Johnston during a match between West Indies and England.

3. Well, Turner looks a bit shaky but I think he is going to continue batting. One ball left - The same Johnston after New Zealander Glenn Turner got bowled on the groin.

4. The bowler is a bit like my pet dog, he's got three short legs and balls that swing both ways - Johnston.

5. There were five slips with Neil Harvey standing with legs apart waiting for a tickle - Ditto.

6. I always looked upon cricket as organized loathing - William Temple.

The following is a collection of actual newspaper headlines:

# Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
# Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
# Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
# House passes gas tax onto senate
# Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
# Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
# William Kelly was fed secretary
# Milk drinkers are turning to powder
# Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
# Quarter of a million chinese live on water
# Farmer bill dies in house
# Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

# Queen Mary having bottom scraped
# Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
# Prostitutes appeal to pope
# Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
# NJ judge to rule on nude beach
# Child's stool great for use in garden
# Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
# Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
# Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

# Eye drops off shelf
# Squad helps dog bite victim
# Dealers will hear car talk at noon
# Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
# Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
# Miners refuse to work after death
# Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
# Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

# Never withhold herpes from loved one
# Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
# Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
# Autos killing 110 a day let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

# If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
# War dims hope for peace
# Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
# Cold wave linked to temperatures
# Child's death ruins couple's holiday
# Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
# Man is fatally slain
# Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
# Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Murphy's Law as applied to combat:

1. You are not a superman.
2. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
3. Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire.
4. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
5. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
6. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
7. If your attack is going really well, it's ambush.
8. No plan survives the first contact intact.
9. All 5 seconds grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds.
10. Try to look unimportant because the bad guys may be low on ammo.
11. If you are forward of your position the artillery will fall short.
12. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
13. The important things are always simple.
14. The simple things are always hard.
15. The easy way is always mined.
16. If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
17. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
18. Incoming fire has right of way.
19. Friendly fire isn't.
20. If the enemy's in range - SO ARE YOU!
21. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
22. Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
23. Radio's will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
24. Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing.
25. Tracers work both ways.
26. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
27. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
28. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.
29. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they are both right.
30. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
31. Murphy was a grunt.

Here are a few instances of what happens when companies attempt to market their product overseas without doing the proper research of the region they are advertising their products:

* When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

* Chinese translation also proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth".

* Things weren't much easier for Coke's arch-rival Pepsi. When they entered the Chinese market a few years ago, the translation of their slogan "Pepsi Brings you Back to Life" was a little more literal than they intended. In Chinese, the slogan meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave".

* But it's not just in Asian markets that soft drinks makers have problems. In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water".

* The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem – Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

* General Motors had a perplexing problem when they introduced the Chevy Nova in South America. Despite their best efforts, they weren't selling many cars. They finally realized that in Spanish, "nova" means "it won't go". Sales improved dramatically after the car was renamed the "Caribe."

* Things weren't any better for Ford when they introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel," which means horse.

* Sometimes it's one word of a slogan that changes the whole meaning. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

* Foreign companies have similar problems when they enter English speaking markets. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it expanded to English-speaking countries and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of the Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name. The company didn't change the name of all its divisions though. Visitors to Japan still have the opportunity to take a ride on the Kinki Nippon Railway.

* When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."

* Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

* The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

* Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux"

* Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.

* An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa)

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The following questions and answers were collected from GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses from 16 year olds.

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Cesarean Section.”
A: The cesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head.

A list of the things that Hollywood films have taught mankind.

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people–whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blond and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off–even while scuba diving.

14. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: “Enter Password Now.”

21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.