AMUSEMENT PARK

You are now in the amusement park section. Here you will find humorous and funny information obtained by the Administrator (and others) for your viewing pleasure. Please note some of the information here might disturb sensitive viewers.

The following were received from a medical-fund who got some of the strangest messages, if they are to be believed:

1. I cannot get any medical relief. I got six children. Could you please inform me why?

2. Miss X doesn't have any clothes. She hasn't had anything for a year. The pastor visits her regularly.

3. Sir, I am sending my wedding certificate and two children, of which one is a mistake, as you will see.

4. I must get my money as soon as possible. I have been in bed with the doctor for a week and it doesn't seem as if he is doing me any good.

5. Please find out if my husband is dead, since the man with whom I am living together doesn't want to eat or do anything else until he is sure.

6. In complying with your orders I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Workers at the British Gas Department got the most remarkable letters from clients who got gas-appliances. They report problems like:

1. I don't like it so much in the kitchen as I did in the shop window.

2. My husband is pretty handy but he says your men can do it better because of their tools.

3. It has got very slack with use and my husband can't make it tight no matter how hard he tries, so for the time being we are making do with an old gas ring.

4. I told my husband it was safe to leave it in all night but he won't. If he comes to the showroom like I did, can the lady satisfy him behind the counter and talk him out of it?

5. Since you put a new pipe from the mains to our house, me and my husband dread going to bed because of a slight discharge. We think there is a leak just after it enters.

6. It is about time your workmen came back to fill the hole because we are fed up with having it in the street. It is a big attraction and we are getting children by the dozen.

In non-English speaking countries the following notices prove Exile isn't the only one who struggles with English.

1. Hotel in Acapulco, Mexico: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

2. Hotel in Paris, France: Please leave your values at the front desk.

3. Hotel in Tokyo: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

4. Hotel in Moscow: If this is your first visit to the Soviet Union, then you are welcome to it.

5. Ladies Bar in Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

6. Bar in Tokyo: Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.

7. Swiss Restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

8. Drycleaners in Bangkok: Drop your trousers here for best results.

9. Temple in Bangkok: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

10. Donkey-hiring area in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

11. Dentist in Hong Kong: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

12. Airliner in Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

13. Shop in England (Yes, even there): This shop is run by the Church. Watch your step.

From Menus.com and its partner, RestuarantRow.com, a list of typos found while proofreading menus.

1. Soup of the dog.

2. Served on a warm nun.

3. Kindly beans.

4. Dark meat of chicken - two things and two legs.

5. Pork with geek and garlic.

6. Kids' menu (served to chicken under 12)

7. Curried lamp and rice.

8. Scared breasts of chicken.

9. Cork chops.

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetence can be highly entertaining. (Special thanks to Emeraldwyn for this)

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of
my car.

13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

A very humorous Star Trek custom image, courtesy of Daniel Morales.

In one of New York Magazine's competition features, edited by Mary Ann Madden, readers were asked for silly headlines containing self-defeating logic. Here are some of the contributions:

MARCH PLANNED FOR NEXT AUGUST

BLIND BISHOP APPOINTED TO SEE

LINGERIE SHIPMENT STOLEN, THIEF GIVES POLICE THE SLIP

VOTERS APPROVE URBAN RENEWAL BY LANDSLIDE

PATIENT AT DEATH'S DOOR, DOCTORS PULL HIM THROUGH

LATIN COURSE TO BE CANCELLED - NO INTEREST AMONG STUDENTS ET AL

NAPPY MARKET BOTTOMS OUT

GROUPIERS ON STRIKE, MANAGEMENT:"NO BIG DEAL"

REAGAN TO PLUG LEAKS, SOURCE REVEALS

STADIUM AIR CONDITIONING FAILS, FANS PROTEST

A set of oddball advertisements that have really appeared in newspapers.

A file download image the Administrator acquired from Gerrit Penning, Administrator of SpaceTides (see main page for URL).

Another amusing fact about Microsoft Windows:

Subject: NO, WINDOWS IS NOT A VIRUS.
IS WINDOWS A VIRUS ??
NO, WINDOWS IS NOT A VIRUS. HERE'S WHAT VIRUSES
(VIRI?) DO:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh...Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus. It's a BUG!

How's that again?

1. Report on a tennis match in The Times Of India, New Delhi:"Zeeshan played well in patches, but even his good shorts were missing in this game."

2. News item in the Chronicle, Wanganui, New Zealand:"A 24-year-old man who has 'pulled himself up by his own bootstraps' was given a 12-month suspended sentence."

3. Advertisement in a newspaper:"Stainless steel water filter gives germs,free crystal clear water."

4. In a church newsletter:"The Visiting Committee reported they visited as many isolated people as they could, but some were not at home."

5. Help wanted advertisement in the Reveille/Lake Sun, Camdenton, Montana:"Singer for new rock band. Must be male or female."

6. Classified advertisement:"ALGIERS SEAFOOD MARKET - Best Little Seafood Restaurant in Town. Thursday's lunch special - turkey and mashed potatoes."

Each year at the Frankfurt Book Fair, a special watch is kept for improbable titles. In his book Quote... Unquote 3, Nigel Rees lists some of the most intriguing:

1. A Pictorial Book of Tongue Coatings

2. A Full Account of God's Dealings With George Whitefield

3. New Guinea Tapeworms and Jewish Grandmothers

4. Instructions for the Best Positions on the Pianoforte

5. Eat Your House

6. Entertaining With Insects

7. Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice

8. The Biochemist's Songbook

9. Buddhism in Fifteen Minutes

10. The Interpretation of Geological Time From the Evidence of Fossilized Elephant Droppings in Eastern Europe

A handy lexicon for what every budding gardener should know:

Annaul. Any plant that dies before blooming.

Aphid. Insect pest that inphests gardens and makes gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their pheet and utter phour-letter words.

Bed. 1. Where most prized flowering perennials are located. 2. Where most gardeners are located when they hear rabbits in 1.

Catalogues. Forms of entertaining fiction published by nurseries, seedsmen and tool manufactures.

Fence. Barrier erected to protect garden produce against animal pests that lack wings, paws, teeth or brains and cannot leap, tunnel, climb or fly.

Fertilizer. Plant food. The feeding procedure is complicated, but the few essential facts about fertilizers can be mastered quickly. Just remember the numbers three, two and five. They refer to: the three basic types - messy, stinky and messy/stinky; the two sizes available - trial (100-gram packet) and economy (100-kilogram sack); and the five methods of application - too much, too little, too early, too late and wrong kind.

Fruit. General term for the seedbearing part of a plant that is eaten by birds or worms, drops off, rots, gets funny spots, isn't what was pictured in the catalogue, tastes like a glove or doesn't appear at all.

Furrow. Horizontal line on forehead of gardener.

Garden. One of a vast number of free outdoor restaurants operated by charity-minded amateurs to provide healthy, balanced meals for insects, birds and animals.

Green Fingers. Common condition suffered by gardeners in which the skin of the fingers develops a greenish hue from handling large sums of money at nurseries.

Hoe. Gardening tool whose name derives from the fact that when its blade is stepped on, its handle delivers a sharp rap to the gardener's brow, at which point he cries "Ho!"

Hose. Crude but effective, totally safe type of scythe towed through gardens to flatten flowerbeds.

Mulch. Material placed round the base of a plant to keep it moist and warm. Wood chips, leaf matter and even unwanted printed matter may be used. Note: The text printed onto paper by computer printers contains coloured ink and may damage plants.

Nursery. The only known place where money grows on trees.

Perennial. Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed year after year.

Potato. The ideal vegetable. Not bitter, stringy, pulpy, sour or gritty. It can be boiled, fried, baked, roasted, creamed or mashed. It is even tasty served as a salad. Best of all, since potatoes of excellent quality are available all the year round at reasonable prices, there is absolutely no reason whatever to grow them - in fact, there is a very good reason not to.

Potato Blight. The very good reason not to.

Root. 1. Subsurface part of a weed inadvertently left in the ground when the upper part is removed, thus resulting in the weed's speedy regrowth. 2. Any subsurface part of an ornamental shrub, or tree, a small portion of which is inadvertently left in the ground when the specimen is transplanted, thus resulting in the plant's rapid death.

Rot. Gardening advice.

Seed. Highly nutritious form of bird food sold in handsome packets.

Stake. Hard, tasteless garden product that generally constitutes the bulk of the harvest after visits by rabbits, birds, squirrels and buck.

Tools. Gardening implements that have a distinct life cycle: active phase (one to 12 weeks), marked by appearance of blisters on hands and bruises on legs of user; metamorphosis phase (12 to 14 weeks), during which the handle suddenly breaks at the point where it is joined to the metal working end; and dormant phase (14 weeks to 20 years), spent by the two halves of the tool in a dark corner of the shed.

Vermin. Any creature that eats green vegetables voluntarily.

Weed. Any plant that will survive at least one week without being watered, fertilized, pruned, sprayed, staked, mulched, misted, dusted or wrapped in sacking, paper or plastic.

Zzzz. 1. Sound produced by dozing gardener. 2. Sound produced by bee trapped in dozing gardener's trouser leg.

The following is a collection of the odd goings-on and strange stories from around the world:

Feathered Invaders: It was a scene right out of Alfred Hitchcock's movie classic The Birds. As they switched on the light in their living room, Michael and Wendy Glover of Sylmar, California, found their walls and furniture blanketed with small, dark-coloured birds. Some 2000 migrating Vaux's swifts had swooped down the chimney into their home. "Most were asleep," said Michael, "but those that were awake flew all around us."
It took several officers from the City of Los Angeles Department of Animal Regulation four hours to clear out the birds; the Glovers spent four weeks cleaning up the mess and repainting.

Pie From the Sky: Becky Farrar of Hinckley, Illinois, returned home to find a hole in the ceiling of her newly remodelled kitchen and a smashed pumpkin all over the floor.
An investigation led sheriff's deputies to a pair of skydivers who had accidentally dropped a pumpkin they were passed back and fourth during a Halloween free fall.

Take the Zzz Train: A barefooted 11-year-old boy, whose mother says he sleepwalks, was discovered walking along the railway line nearly 160 kilometres from his home in Danville, Illinois. The boy had hopped on a goods train in Danville and had ended up in Peru, Indiana. According to the police, he remembered nothing of his trip. Said Chief Bill Page, "He woke up, got off, and thought he was still in Danville."
The boy's mother said that he had never walked outside in his sleep before.

Car Chases Its Tail: A bizarre episode began when the headmistress of a primary school outside Washington, D.C., drove her car into the school's circular driveway.
In a hurry to pick something up, she got out of the car, leaving the motor running. After she shut the car door, the gear somehow slipped into reverse. That sent the driverless car backwards around the circle, where it orbited hundreds of times, headlights on, for two and a half hours, as police puzzled over the problem.
Finally a tow truck was summoned. The driver, deftly manoeuvring, hooked the car's bumper with the truck's lifting device. The car's rear wheels were then raised off the ground and the runaway vehicle brought to a halt.
Neither vehicle was damaged, but the car owner's pride was injured. "It isn't funny," she said.

Swan 1, Russians 0: In a strange aerial dogfight over Siberia, a swan attacked a Soviet helicopter carrying gas-pipeline workers. For 13 minutes, the bird followed the chopper's every move, finally forced the crew to change landing sites.

Falling Down on the Job: In Chicago, an 81-year man, employed as a parking attendant for 46 years, accidentally drove a car through a first-floor wall of a parking garage, striking a fire escape and a parked van before landing six metres below in an alley.
But Cornelius Robinson, the driver, walked away from the damaged car without a scratch.
"It was incredible," said First Battalion Fire Chief William Crawford. "We were even able to drive the car after the accident. It wasn't in great shape, but it was drivable."

Cherry Bombs: Black-cherry yoghurt seems a harmless enough food, but shoppers at a grocery store in Britain received a real shock when containers of yoghurt suddenly began to explode and splatter them. Apparently too much yeast in the yoghurt formula can be a blast.

Bird in Hand: It started when Donald Hudson of Midland, Michigan, suddenly noticed his morning newspaper was moving. A bird had nestled into the plastic-covered paper before Hudson picked it up from his lawn and put it on the car seat beside him. He stopped the car and shifted into neutral to let the bird go.
He had one leg out of the door when the gear slipped and the car began to move. Hudson's other foot and trouser leg were stucked under the seat, so he tried hopping down the road to keep up. In the process, his trousers slipped halfway down.
Finally Hudson's foot came loose, and he fell out of the car and hit his head on the pavement. The vehicle kept going and ploughed into a neighbour's veranda.

Solo Flight: There was one problem when a single-engine propeller plane took off from a small airstrip near Sackets Harbour, New York: the pilot was left behind.
Douglas Youngs had flooded the engine when he tried to start it. So he turned off the magnetos, opened the throttle and cranked the propeller backwards to force out excess fuel. When he went back to turn on the magnetos, he forgot to close the throttle first. The engine started up, and the plane lurched across the airstrip and into an adjacent maize field, dragging Youngs for 150 metres while he tried, unsuccessfully, to get in and stop it.
Youngs watched as the plane took off, climbed in a spiral and disappeared. It was found up a tree, 100 kilometres away.

Trunk and Disorderly: A dozen hungry Indian elephants tramped into a village in the state of Assam where they discovered barrels of Ioa pani - a beer made from rice. They imbibed all the hooch and become so intoxicated they fell asleep.
The elephants left in the morning, no doubt hung over from their escapade. But they returned that evening in search of more beer.

A satirical look at the current political climate going on at the moment. (Thank you to McCracken for supplying this information).

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

Beijing (SatireWire.com) – Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil,” Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the “Axis of Just as Evil,” which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of during his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. “Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. “Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil… we’re the best.”

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. “They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. “An Axis can’t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s a tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool!”

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda, and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all of the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries that Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed To Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. “That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do,” said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in “Guay,” accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.

The Top Ten Hit Movies In Iraq:

10. "You've Got Veil"

9. "There's Sanctions Against Mary"

8. "Honey, I Martyred the Kids"

7. "I Still Know What You Did Last Ramadan"

6. "How Saddam Hussein Got His Chemical Weapons Back"

5. "Kurdz"

4. "Arranged Bride of Chucky"

3. "Patch Saddams"

2. "Turban Cowboy"

1. "The Waterboy"

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

Q: This "myasthenia graves", does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said: "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did it upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do?
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere...

Pre-historic IT, in the style of Flintstones.

These are excerpts from actual letters sent to the council by council building dwellers in Johannesburg:

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.

We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get SABC2.

I try to take just one day at a time but lately several days have attacked me at once!!

The following is from an article in a Reader's Digest called "Inflected Rats and Other Historical Tragedies", by Anders Henriksson.

Those who forget history - and the English language - may be condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five-year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his first-year students' more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narrative from the Middle Ages to the present.

During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle-aged. Church and state were cooperatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs. After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside. The Crusades were expaditions by Christians who were seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.

In the year 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. The plague also helped the emergance of English as the national language of England, France and Italy.

The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilize himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out their doors. Renaisance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.

The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented that tithes were going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. The popes were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the nineteenth century.

After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold that would include Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus surrounding France. The German Emperor's lower pssage was blocked by the French for years and years.

Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia, the seventeenth century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothers to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people; orthodox priests became government antennae.

The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious tolerance which was slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution catapulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.

History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a population of one million people, two million able bodies were on the loose. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment. Voting was to be done by ballad.

A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Culture formented from Europe's tip to its top. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and when he died they labelled his seat "historical".

The First World War broke out around 1912 - 1914. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted Russia.

Germany was displaced after the First World War. This gave rise to Hitler, who remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish with Germany and France. Moosealini rested his foundations on eight million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium and Russian invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wiped out, and their forlorne families were left to pick the peaces.

The last stage is us.

15 amusing things to do at the Pick 'n Pay (or Wal-Mart, if you live outside South Africa).

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares",...and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a box of Smarties on lay-bye.

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say: "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again".

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly ... "Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"

Six horoscopes for those who enjoy the Playstation 2 and even those who don't have one.

1. Capricorn

You are much too conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid at all costs standing still for long periods of time, as they tend to attract the pigeons that delight in decorating statues.

Free Star Tip This Month: Capricorn men and women are great janitors (wipe left wipe right).

2. Aquarius

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid.

Free Star Tip This Month: Aquarius men and women are great pets!!

3. Pisces

You have a vivid imagination and often thinks the CIA or FBI is following you. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting what little power you have. You lack confidence and generally are a coward.

Free Star Tip This Month: Pisces men and women are great bathroom accessories.

4. Aries

It's time to move on, you are worthless to society and the time you spend pondering the fact that pigs really can't fly has left you num inside with very little feelings at all. Time to get out the shovel and start digging that hole. You will have people lining up to cover it when you are finished.

Free Star Tip This Month: Aries men and women make great statues!!

5. Taurus

You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scorn advice. You are a prize date and all the moms love you (right!!!).
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell (when you work... right!!!). You turn most people off because you are stubborn and bull-headed and won't listen to reason even though you know you're wrong.

Free Star Tip This Month: Taurus men and women make great thieves or politicians.

6. Gemini

You are quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are yum... well some like you because you have cool PS games! However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. You are notorious for thriving on borrowing games and never returning them.

Free Star Tip This Month: Gemini men and women are great loan sharks!!

7. Cancer

You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things of; that's why you're always broke. Needless to say people find you boring and avoid you like a plague even if you have the latest edition of UnderGround Station Magazine.

Free Star Tip This Month: Cancer men and women are great monks!!!

8. Leo

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are van and cannot tolerate honest criticism and love your own reflection, sound of your voice and cheat at all the games. You are a babe!

Free Star Tip This Month: Leo men and women are great teachers (yeah right man)

9. Virgo

You are a logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep in way cool movies (???).

Free Star Tip This Month: Virgos make good bus drivers (beep beep dude)

10. Libra

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. Chances for unemployment are excellent, in fact you well be the coolest sign of them all with little to no chance of ever passing grade 11. You PS skills should be AWESOME!

Free Star Tip This Month: Libra men and women are great pedestrians (walk the walk man)

11. Scorpio

You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are tied down and beaten at once.

Free Star Tip This Month: Scorpio men and women are great golfers (swing baby swing)

12. Sagittarius

You are optimistic and enthusiastic types. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are great actors and songwriters. You trust in people too much and can't see wrong in your fellow man. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting fooled.

Free Star Tip This Month: Sagittarius men and women are great... hey man we will get back to you... right!!!

Some amusing anagrams (words or phrases that are rearranged without adding or leaving out any of the original letters).

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

More examples of "Engrish" from around the world:

On an Athi River Highway:
"Take Notice: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On a poster at Kencom:
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

In a city restaurant:
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

In a cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

Tokyo hostel's Rules and Regulations:
"Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed."

Catholic elementary school children were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. These have not been retouched or corrected for spelling.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world, sohe took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created froman apple tree.

3. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on in pears.

4. Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day but a ball of fire by night.

5. Samson was a strongman who leg himself be led astray by a Jezelbel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines withthe axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread whichis bread, without any ingredients.

8. the first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

9. the seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

10. moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

11. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

12. David wa a Hebrew king skilled atplaying the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

13. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

14. When Mary heard that she was themogher of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

15. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus with the manager.

16. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

17. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

18. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

19. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

20. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

21. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

22. Christians have only one spouse this is called monotony.

Cricket is apparently an inspiration for those who write and broadcast about it. A few cricket quotes, both above and below the belt:

1. Another one and he can take the new ball - A famous British fastbowler after he, during a tour of the sheik kingdoms, was told that one leader has 199 wives.

2. The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willy - BBC-commentator Brian Johnston during a match between West Indies and England.

3. Well, Turner looks a bit shaky but I think he is going to continue batting. One ball left - The same Johnston after New Zealander Glenn Turner got bowled on the groin.

4. The bowler is a bit like my pet dog, he's got three short legs and balls that swing both ways - Johnston.

5. There were five slips with Neil Harvey standing with legs apart waiting for a tickle - Ditto.

6. I always looked upon cricket as organized loathing - William Temple.

The following is a collection of actual newspaper headlines:

# Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
# Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
# Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
# House passes gas tax onto senate
# Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
# Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
# William Kelly was fed secretary
# Milk drinkers are turning to powder
# Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
# Quarter of a million chinese live on water
# Farmer bill dies in house
# Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

# Queen Mary having bottom scraped
# Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
# Prostitutes appeal to pope
# Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
# NJ judge to rule on nude beach
# Child's stool great for use in garden
# Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
# Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
# Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

# Eye drops off shelf
# Squad helps dog bite victim
# Dealers will hear car talk at noon
# Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
# Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
# Miners refuse to work after death
# Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
# Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

# Never withhold herpes from loved one
# Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
# Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
# Autos killing 110 a day let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

# If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
# War dims hope for peace
# Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
# Cold wave linked to temperatures
# Child's death ruins couple's holiday
# Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
# Man is fatally slain
# Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
# Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Murphy's Law as applied to combat:

1. You are not a superman.
2. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
3. Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire.
4. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
5. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
6. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
7. If your attack is going really well, it's ambush.
8. No plan survives the first contact intact.
9. All 5 seconds grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds.
10. Try to look unimportant because the bad guys may be low on ammo.
11. If you are forward of your position the artillery will fall short.
12. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
13. The important things are always simple.
14. The simple things are always hard.
15. The easy way is always mined.
16. If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
17. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
18. Incoming fire has right of way.
19. Friendly fire isn't.
20. If the enemy's in range - SO ARE YOU!
21. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
22. Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
23. Radio's will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
24. Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing.
25. Tracers work both ways.
26. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
27. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
28. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.
29. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they are both right.
30. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
31. Murphy was a grunt.

Here are a few instances of what happens when companies attempt to market their product overseas without doing the proper research of the region they are advertising their products:

* When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

* Chinese translation also proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth".

* Things weren't much easier for Coke's arch-rival Pepsi. When they entered the Chinese market a few years ago, the translation of their slogan "Pepsi Brings you Back to Life" was a little more literal than they intended. In Chinese, the slogan meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave".

* But it's not just in Asian markets that soft drinks makers have problems. In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water".

* The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem – Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

* General Motors had a perplexing problem when they introduced the Chevy Nova in South America. Despite their best efforts, they weren't selling many cars. They finally realized that in Spanish, "nova" means "it won't go". Sales improved dramatically after the car was renamed the "Caribe."

* Things weren't any better for Ford when they introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel," which means horse.

* Sometimes it's one word of a slogan that changes the whole meaning. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

* Foreign companies have similar problems when they enter English speaking markets. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it expanded to English-speaking countries and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of the Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name. The company didn't change the name of all its divisions though. Visitors to Japan still have the opportunity to take a ride on the Kinki Nippon Railway.

* When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."

* Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

* The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

* Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux"

* Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.

* An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa)

Powerthirst Advertisement - Harness the power of 400 babies!

Powerthirst YouTube Link

The following questions and answers were collected from GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses from 16 year olds.

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Cesarean Section.”
A: The cesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head.

A list of the things that Hollywood films have taught mankind.

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people–whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blond and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off–even while scuba diving.

14. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: “Enter Password Now.”

21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

The Top 101 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of  bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards.

96. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

97. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

98. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

99. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

100. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

101. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

This is a collection of medical terms and acronyms used by medical staff in hospitals that a patient might not wish to hear outside his emergency room. WARNING: Some inappropriate (PG-13) words are used in these terms!!!

3H enema - Enema that is "high, hot, and a hell of a lot." Reputedly given to patients who give staff a hard time.
3P’s - Pill, Permissiveness and Promiscuity (relates to female patients with sexually transmitted disease)
4F - Fair, fat, female and forty OR fat, forty-ish, flatulent female (both mean abdominal pain patient who is candidate for gall bladder disease)
4H - (US) Haemophiliac, Hispanic, Homosexual, Heroin addict
404 moment – On card rounds - when a patient’s medical records cannot be located (from internet error message: 404 Page Not Found)
10th Floor Transfer - dying (floor number is always the next number on from the highest floor in the hospital).
45C - patient is one chromosome short of a full set (thick)

Acades vulgaris - medical students.
Acronymophilia - excessive reliance on TLAs /TLMs & XTLMs (extended 3 letter acronyms)
Acute Lead Poisoning - Gunshot wound
(Acute Lead Poisoning) 185 grain Injection - 9mm gunshot wound
(Acute Lead Poisoning) 240 grain Injection 44 calibre magnum wound
(Acute Lead Poisoning) Air-conditioned - Multiple gun shot wounds
Acute Hyponicotaemia - desperate for nicotine fix (cigarette)
Acute Pneumoencephalopathy - airhead
Adminisphere - where hospital managers work, reckoned to be "another planet"
Administrivia - pointless emails and notices that clog up real medical work
ADR - Ain’t Doing Right
AFU & BR - all f***ed up & beyond repair
AGA - Acute Gravity Attack (fell over)
Aggressive Euthanasia - A procedure that obnoxious patients would benefit from.
ALFI(e) - (Australia) Adelaide's Largest F*cking Idiot
AGMI - Ain't Gonna Make It (won't survive)
Agnostication - Substitute for prognostication; describes the usually vain attempt to answer the question: "How long have I got, doctor?”
AHF - Acute Hissy Fit
Airwolf - air-ambulance (after a popular US TV series)
Albatross - chronically ill patient who will remain with a doctor until one or other of them expire
ALC - a la casa (send the patient home)
ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase)
Amphoterrible - Amphotericin B, an antifungal medication with toxic side-effects
Amyoyo syndrome - Alright motherf*****, you're on your own (seen in head injury patients in Intensive Care)
Angel lust - a male corpse with an erection (not uncommon). Is also sometimes used to mean death that occurred during intercourse.
APD - Acute Prozac Deficiency (depression)
Appy - person with suspected appendicitis
APRS - (US) Acute Puerto Rican syndrome (bouts of screaming and yelling)
APTFRAN - Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)
AQP - Assuming the Q Position: deteriorating or dying with tongue hanging out
AQR - Ain't Quite Right
Arsenic in antifreeze - Melarsoprol (IV sleeping sickness drug) is exactly this!
ART - Assuming Room Temperature (dead)
Ash Cash - money for signing a cremation form
Ash Point - where you collect the Ash Cash
AST - Assuming Seasonal Temperature (dead)
ATD - (US) Acute Tylenol Deficiency (simple fever or head cold)
ATFO - Asked To F*** Off
ATS - Acute Thespian Syndrome: faking illness; known in US as MGM syndrome
Aunt Minnie Lesion - once seen, never forgotten, much like certain aunts at the family wedding
AWTB/AWTF - Away With The Birds/Away With The Fairies; a patient who is totally confused
Ax(e) - surgeon

B-52 - combined 5mg of Haldol IV + 2mg of Ativan IV
Baby catcher - obstetrician
Babygram -x-raying (radiographing) a newborn
Bagged and Tagged (B&T) - Body ready for dispatch to morgue
Bagrinhos - (Brazil) interns ("bullheads" - type of fish that gets in the way of real fishing)
Banana - patient with jaundice
Bash Cash: the money paid for completing accident (insurance) claim forms in A&E
BBCS - Bumps, Bruises, Cuts and Scrapes (i.e. no serious injuries)
BBL Sign (Belly-button Lint Sign) - male, middle-aged, overweight and hairy (an umbilicus that looks like the lint [fluff] trap in a tumble dryer is most common in overweight, hairy, older men). Known as Belly-button Fluff in Britain.
Beached whale - obese patient unable to do much for him/herself except lie there with flailing arms and legs
Benny - patient on benefit (welfare payments)
Betty - a patient with diabetes
BFH - Brat From Hell (usually accompanied by PFH - Parent(s) from Hell)
BFH - Big F****ing Head; hydrocephalus as in a "FLK with a BFH" (can be metaphorical for arrogant consultant)
BIT - burp in transit (gas seen in the stomach on an abdominal film)
Black cloud - a doctor who attracts difficult or prolonged cases or an unusually high number of code blues calls
Blade - Surgeon: dashing, bold, arrogant and often wrong, but never in doubt
Blamestorming - apportioning of blame for mistakes, usually to any locum or lowliest medic in sight
Blinky the Fish - radiologist (The 3-eyed, mutant goldfish from The Simpsons is the mascot of many radiology depts).
Blood-Brain Barrier - surgical drapes
Blood Suckers - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs
Blown Mind - gunshot wound to the head.
Blue Blower - patient with severe lung disease
Blue Pipe - vein (as opposed to 'red pipe' or artery)
BMT - Bowel-Movement Taco (faecal matter trapped in female genitalia)
BMW - Bitch Moan & Whine
Bobbing for apples - unblocking a badly constipated patient with one's finger
BOHICA - Bend Over, Here It Comes Again
Bone Break Need Fix - derogatory term for Orthopaedics
Boneheads - orthopaedics
Bones and Groans - non-specialist general hospital
BoneHo - an off-service resident working in Orthopedics
Boogie or Goober - tumour. A Roasted Goober is a tumour after intensive cobalt treatment; a Healthy Goober is a dead tumour patient.
Bordeaux - bloodstained urine
Bottle return - removing a bottle lodged in the anal canal
Bounce - returning a turfed patient back to original dept (see also turf and buff)
Bounceback - a (usually turfed) patient who keeps returning to the hospital with same condition
Box - to die
Brain Fry - Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) for depression
Bronze John's Law - (paediatrics) if the weight of the records exceeds the weight of the child, the prognosis is grim
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts
Brown trout - a stool that won't float (as opposed to an air biscuit, which does)
BSS - Bilateral Samsonite Syndrome: patient admitted with both their bags packed in preparation
BTSOOM - Beats The Sh*t Out Of Me
Buff - re-hash the patient's story to make it sound more appropriate for the patient to be referred to another dept (see also turfing and bouncing)
Buff Up - to ready a patient for release
Bug Juice - antibiotics
Bugs in the rug - pubic lice
Bull in the ring - blockage in the large intestine
Bumps and Lumps - junior doctor (intern) cases
BUNDY - But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
Bungee jumper - a patient who pulls on his catheter tube
Bunnies - Sanitary Towels (sanitary napkins)
Bunny Boiler - (Psych) dangerously obsessive or unbalance woman (based on film "Fatal Attraction")
Burger - sunburned patient with ruptured blisters
Bury the Hatchet - accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient.
Butchers - Obstetrics & Gynaecology (also general derogatory term for surgeons)
BVA - Breathing Valuable Air
BWCO - Baby Won't Come Out (needs Caesarian)

C/C- "Cancel Christmas" (dead)
C2 - a "can't c**t"; lazy physician who passes off work to colleagues and often whine
C&T Ward - Coma ward - "cabbages and turnips"
Cabbage - heart bypass i.e. CABG (Coronary Artery Bypass Graft)
Cabbage and tomato ward - Ward for comatose patients
Calcified Penisitis Morbidium - male patient whose ailment is due to excessive or unprotected sex
Callbellectomy - minor operation, sadly not permitted, to remove over-used call bell from patient's hand/reach!
Call Button Jockey/Buzzer Junkie - patient that uses call button all night long for no good reason.
Calling Doctor Blue [to location] - public address system code for "baffling case needing more doctors to take a look in the hope that one of them will know what to do"
Captain Kangaroo - chairman of a paediatrics department.
Category 6 Patient - Triage is Cat 1 (major) to Cat 5 (minor) so Cat 6 means a timewaster
Cath Jockey - cardiologist that catheterizes every patient they see (or one that does cardiac catherizations)
CATS- Cut all to sh*t
Caveman - Derogatory term for Orthopaedic surgeons “so easy a caveman could do it”. Derived from an advert
CBT - Chronic Burger/Biscuit Toxicity (obesity)
cc - Complaint Corner, a patient that complains about everything; BCC is one that behaves nicely to medical staff and complains behind their backs (from business acronyms for carbon copy and blind carbon copy)
CCFCCP - Coo-coo for Co-Co Puffs (dementia or similar)
Ceiling Sign - near-levitation from the bed to the ceiling induced by examining for abdominal tenderness
Celestial discharge - died
Celestial transfer - died (transferred to the Eternal Care Unit)
Cephosplat - Domestos Antibiotic; Kills all known germs
CFT - Chronic Food Toxicity i.e. obesity
CFU - Complete(ly) F*ck(ed) Up
Champagne tap - bloodless lumbar tap
Chandelier's Sign - The result of any test or probing after which the patient must be removed from the chandelier
CHAOS - Chronic Hurts All Over Syndrome (PTSD/Fibromyalgia, etc.)
Chart Biopsy - check chart for other depts' plans on the patient
Chart Dehiscence - drop patient chart and everything falls out.
Chartomegaly - patient is so frequent s/he has a large (and growing) chart
Cheerioma - a patient with a highly aggressive, malignant tumour
CHIBLOC - Closed Head Injury, Brief Loss of Consciousness
Chocolate Hostage - constipated
Choly / Chole - patient with cholecystitis (inflammation of the gallbladder) or cholecystectomy patient.
Chrome Induced Ischaemia - patient that develops inexplicable chest pains when arrested and handcuffed
Chronic Slapping Deficiency - annoying/unruly family members hitting nurse's call button every 5 minutes with minor requests/inane questions or for fun CKS - cute kid syndrome
Clip and Strip - remove staples and adhesive sutures
CLL - chronic Low Life
CLOMI - Cat Like Observation and Masterful Inactivity (patient under observation)
Cock Doc- urologist
Cockroach Factor - a patient's ability to survive trauma or serious treatment is inversely proportional to his contribution to society (see TTI).
Code 0 - (Ambulance) Time-waster/tax-waster (genuine codes are Code 1 [non-serious] to Code 4 [emergency])
Code Azure - message to other medics to do nothing extraordinary to save a very ill patient who will die shortly no matter what is done
Code Brown - faecal incontinence emergency (e.g. of bedlinen)
Code Pink (Triangle) - a likely homosexual (used back when HIV/Aids tests took a while to come back)
Code Pink (Paediatric) - baby taken without permission from maternity/nursery by family or staff
Code Yellow - urinary incontinence emergency
Coffee and a Newspaper - Patient is Constipated (i.e. long time sitting on toilet with drink and reading matter)
Coffin Dodger - survived against expectations, or a very old person
Cold-tea Sign/Cold Tea Syndrome - refers to the several cups of cold tea on the bedside cabinet beside a dead geriatric (i.e. no-one noticed the patient had died)
COPD - Chronic Old Persons Disease (unwell, no specific cause)
Crackerjack referral - (UK) It's Friday, it's five to five, it's... (Crackerjack was a popular TV show) i.e. Friday afternoon job
CRAFT - Can’t Remember A F*cking Thing
Cranio-faecal Syndrome - s**thead or s**t for brains
Creepers - geriatrics using walkers and wheelchairs
Crinkly - geriatric
Crispy critter - severe burns case
CROACC - Cannot Rule Out Anything, Correlate Clinically
Crock - Hypochondriac.
Crook-U - Prison Ward in a hospital (slang to match ICU - Intensive Care Unit etc)
Crop Rotation - Ambulance shuttle service from nursing home to surgery and back again
CRS - Can’t Remember Sh*t
CRT - Can't Really Treat
Crumble (crumbly) - elderly patient
Crump - (UK) RTA [Road Traffic Accident], (US) crash; trying to die
Crump, Gork or Vedgy - Intensive care patient incapable of movement and apparently unaware of his surroundings.
CTD - Circling the Drain (Close To Death)
CTF - Cletus the Fetus (US). A 23 week, or earlier, births that parents expect to survive against all odds
CTS - Crazier than sh*t
Cuckoo - alternative term for CCU
C*nts and Runts - Maternity and Paediatrics
Cut and Paste - To open a patient, discover that there is no hope, and immediately sew him up (or almost immediately - sometimes young surgeons practice surgical techniques for a while).

D&D - Divorced and Desperate (middle aged female who visits doctor weekly just for male attention)
D&D - Death and Donuts (night shift)
Dagenham - (psychiatry) or "Three Stops Beyond Barking": severely disturbed/mad (based on British train station names)
DACB - (US) Drunk As Cooter Brown (UK equivalent is PAAF/PIAF)
Dance (or Gown Dance) - the process of tying a surgical gown behind the surgeon's back (requires a 180-degree spin by the surgeon: Shall we dance?)
Dandruff on wheels - scabies or other transmissible flaky skin condition
DBI - Dirt Bag Index: number of tattoos x number of missing teeth = days since the patient last bathed
Death Camp - terminal nursing home
Death Star - that ward in every hospital where patients go to die
De-coke and Re-bore - Dilatation and curettage (gynae) op
Deep fry - cobalt therapy (radiation therapy)
Dement - Alzheimer patient
DENTIST - Doesn't Even Need Treatment - It's Sorted, Truly
Departure lounge - geriatric ward
Dermaholiday - nickname for dermatology dept used by staff in busier depts
DFO - (1) (US) Done Fell Out (anything from fainting to cardiac arrest)
DFO - (2) Drunk and Fell Over
DFO-SFJ - Done Fell Out - Screaming For Jesus
DIFFC - Dropped In For Friendly Chat (i.e. no medical problem)
Digging for Worms - varicose vein surgery
DIIK - Darned if I know
DILF - Doctor I'd Like to F*** (Fornicate with): Nursing slang for good-looking doctor
DILLIGAF - Do I Look Like I Give A F*ck
Dirtball - patient who enters the emergency room filthy and smelling badly
Discharged downstairs - transferred to the morgue
Disco Biscuit – Quaaludes (1980s), Estasy (2000s)
Dishwasher - sterilization machine
DKA - Don't/Doesn't Know Anything (but is explained to relatives as Diabetic Ketoacidosis if challenged)
DMFNFL - Dumb mother f*cker, not fit to live
Doc In A Box - a small clinic/health centre, with ever-changing staff.
Doing the Twirly - circling the drain (about to die)
Donorcycle - motorbike: the biggest cause of donated organs!
Donut of Death - CT scanner
Doorknob Rounds - the entire presentation takes place in 5 seconds while the consultant's hand never leaves the doorknob to the entrance of the patient's room (US hospitals have small single occupancy rooms)
Dose of I Don't Care - pain-killing meds that make patient light-headed
Dose of I Don't Remember - pain-killing meds that leave patient without memory of painful procedure
Dose Sponge - Radiology Worker
DOTS- dead on the spot (of an accident), also FDOTS (F*cking Dead On The Spot)
Double bind trial - Two orthopods looking at an electrocardiogram
Double Whopper with Cheese - Obese female with genital thrush
Doughnut - CT scanner
DPP - (Brazil) leave patient for the next shift to deal with ("Deixa para o Próximo Plantão")
DPS - Dumb Parent Syndrome
DPS - (General Practice) Droopy Penis Syndrome: a patient wanting Viagra prescription
DPS - (Hospital) Disappearing Penis Syndrome: the usual reaction of the male organ in response to insertion of catheter or endoscope
DQ - Drama Queen
Dr Feelgood - a doctor who is indiscriminate about prescribing drugs
Drinkectomy - separating a drunk from his can of lager (performed in A&E dept)
Drooler - catatonic patient.
Drop a Lung - when medical treatment causes a pneumothorax
DRT - Dead Right There (patient dead at scene of accident)
DRTTTT - Dead Right There, There, There and There (patient dead and in multiple parts at scene of accident)
DSB - Drug-Seeking Behaviour (faking illness to fuel narcotic addiction)
DSP - Dumb Sh*t Profile
DTMA - Don't Transfer to Me Again.
DTS - Danger To Shipping (in a particularly large patient's records)
DWPA - Death/Dying With Paramedic Assistance
DUB - Damn Ugly Baby
Duck - portable urinal for bedridden male hospital patients
Dude Factor - Survival scoring factor based on social worth. A high dude factor = an individual of questionable social worth who survives near-fatal injuries. A low dude factor = professional person who slips in the bathroom sustaining a fatal injury
Dump - patient that nobody seems to want (or to transfer a patient to another hospital); also a verb - arranging for patient to be off-loaded elsewhere
Dunlap Syndrome - belly done lapped over the waistband; obese (spare tyre, Dunlop being a brand of tyre)
DWPA - Death/Dying With Paramedic Assistance
Dys-Synaptogenic - stupid

Eating In - Intravenous feeding
Eating the Bill - (USA) providing care for indigent patients lacking insurance i.e. "We ate the bill on that guy."
ECU - Eternal Care Unit: heaven ("gone to the ECU = dead)
EDDU – eating drinking defecating urinating (but not much else)
EDGATWTTTF - Elevator Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top Floor (thick)
Eiffel Syndrome - (From I-fell on it) patient with a foreign object in the rectum
ELFs - Evil Little F*ckers (irritating children)
Embromed - (Brazil) imaginary health plan: postponement of solution through hoax.
Ego Boost Units - med students/junior doctors that follow a doctor
EMS - Earn Money Sleeping (joke at expense of Emergency Medical Service)
EMT - Extraordinary Masochistic Tendencies (joke at expense of Emergency Medical Technicians)
Engessar - (Brazil) to orient treatment so that the patient can't complain (literally "to place in a cast").
ERCP - Emergency Retrograde Clerking of Patient, an emergency procedure before the consultant rounds
ERNOBW - Engine Running, No One Behind the Wheel (thick)
ESBAM - Eat s**t and Bark At the Moon (or "not ruddy likely" in British English)
Estropício - (Brazil) poor, unkempt obstetric patient ("jeopardy").
Eternal Care - Intensive Care (for a patient who won't come out again)
ETOH - Extremely Trashed or Hammered (2 derivations given: corruption of "Etho" [ethanol addict] or from "EtOH" [chemistry abbreviation for ethanol])
Expensive care - intensive care
Expensive Scare - intensive care

FABIANS - Felt Awful But I'm Allright Now Syndrome
FAC - F*cking Awkward Client
Faecal Encephalopathy - Sh*t for brains
Family Care Plan - One child gets the sniffles, whole family gets a trip to A&E
Fanger - oral surgeon
Fascinectomy - long, but fascinating procedure
Fascinoma - Interesting pathology, but not as interesting as the ensuing politics over who gets first authorship when the case is written up
Father Jack - (the drunken old priest in Father Ted), confused and elderly patient who constantly shouts and tries to get out of bed
FCBP - Fellow of the College of Bystander Physicians i.e. doctor having a look-see
FD - F*cking drunk
FDGM - Fall Down, Go Boom (see LOLFDGB)
FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way
Feather Count - measure of flakiness (e.g. high feather count)
Feed and Seed - care for vegetative patients in "the garden"
Feet-up General - a quiet district hospital
FFDID - Found Face Down In Ditch
FFDIG - Found Face Down In Gutter
FFF - see 4F (Fat, Fair, Female, Forty = gall bladder disease)
FHHS - (US) Female Hispanic Hysterical Syndrome (screaming and crying)
FIDO - F*ck It, Drive On (a waste of time/hoax ambulance all)
Fighting Darwin - patients refusing essential treatment through stubborness or stupidity
File 13 - The Trashcan
FINE - F*cked up , insecure, neurotic & emotional
Finger Wave - rectal exam
Fireballs of the Uticas - fibroids of the uterus
FIRT - Failed impact resistance test (crash victim)
FIT - fart in transit (gas seen in the intestines on an abdominal film)
FITH - F***ed in the head
Fluttering Eye Syndrome - Patient faking unconsciousness
FLBs - those "Funky Looking Beats" found on an EKG that no one can figure out
FLB - Funny Little Bumps (unexplained skin bumps)
Flea - (US) internists, (UK) ethnic nurses (used in 1970s during an influx of imported healthcare staff) i.e. "they get everywhere"
FLK - Funny Looking Kid (sometimes suggests rural inbreeding)
FLK w/ GLM - Funny Looking Kid with a Good Looking Mother
FLKBCOTP - Funny Looking Kid But Check Out The Parents
FLKOFS - Funny Looking Kid, Okay For Sunderland (one of many regional variants of NFN [Normal For Norfolk])
Floating - how ghosts (i.e. med students) get from "here" to "there."
Flower Sign - flowers at a bedside, denotes patient has a supportive family and might be candidate for early discharge
FLP - Funny Looking Parents (hereditary cause suspected for FLK)
FLUF - Funny Little Ugly F*cker
Fluttering Eye Syndrome - Patient faking unconsciousness
FMPS - Fluff My Pillow Syndrome (attention/sympathy seeker), like Call Button Jockey
FOALS NEIGH - F*ck Off And Let Someone Not Extremely Incompetent Get Here
FOB - Found on Bench
FODE - Falling On Deaf Ears
FOL, GOL, FOS - Fat Old Lady, Gone off Legs, Full Of S**t. Confused elderly female, unable to exercise at home, now unable to move unaided and badly constipated as a result (see also Toxic Confusional State).
Fonzie - Unflappable medic (Fonzie was the unltra-cool character in TV series Happy Days)
FOOBA - Found On Ortho Barely Alive (a play on FUBAR - F***ed Up Beyond All Recognition)
FOOSH - Fall Onto Outstretched Hand (as cause of broken wrist/arm)
FORD - Found On Road Dead
Foreverectomy - A surgical procedure that lasts a very long time
FOS - Full Of Sh*t (either severely constipated or metaphorically)
FOS - Found On Street: unidentified dead homeless person
FPO - For practice only (FTD)
FPT - (Brazil) beyond help, do not resuscitate ("Fora de Possibilidade Terapêutica").
Frequent Flyer - Someone who is transported to and from hospital on a routine basis (also someone who spends more time at the local hospital then most employees and is known by all staff members including Environmental Services)
Freud Squad - psychiatrists
Friday construction - Anatomical equivalent of the cars made on Fridays, when the workers mind was more on the weekend than the job in hand
Fruit Salad - group of stroke patients, all unable to take care of themselves
FTD - Fixing To Die
FTF - Failed to Fly (botched suicide)
FUBIL - F**k You Buddy, I'm Leaving. The act of a doctor at a small hospital dumping a critically ill patient on larger hospital on Friday afternoon before he leaves for the weekend
Full Moon - full or overcrowded waiting room/A&E/ER
FUPA - Fat Upper Pussy Area
FURB - Funny, Unusual, Rectal Blockage (people who use inappropriate objects as butt-plugs)

Galloping amputations - gangrene spreading up a limb so more and more has to be removed in consecutive surgeries
Garden - neurosurgical intensive care ward, so called because of the "vegetables" found there.
Gardening - attending to patients in neurological intensive care.
Gassers OR Gas Passers - anaesthetists
Gatekeeper - General practice doctor whose role is to keep costs low by only allowing a certain number of patients to go to specialists
GDA - Gonna die anyway
Genital hurties - genital herpes
Geosphere - Dirt Ball (Geo = dirt + sphere = ball)
Gerifix - that collection of broad spectrum antibiotics, diuretics and bronchodilators prescribed to elderly patients admitted to hospitals in wintertime
Ghost - Derogatory term for med students; they are largely invisible, are absent during difficult situations, silent when asked for volunteers and stealthily evade hard work
GI Rounds - a meal (GI = gastrointestinal)
GLF - Ground Level Fall (tripped over)
GLM - Good Looking Mum
GOA - Gone On Arrival (police turn up, ambulance turns up, fire brigade turns up, patient doesn't)
Goat Rodeo/Goat Rope - Emergency scene which goes badly (resembles a bunch of people riding or wrestling goats)
God's Waiting Room - intensive care unit and/or geriatric unit
GOK - God Only Knows
Goldbrick - patient who demands more attention than their (minor) condition warrants.
GOLP = Generalised Old Lady Pains
GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room; extended to mean elderly patient who is unable to communicate their symptoms and passed from one department to another
Gomergram - Ordering all available tests because the person is unable to explain what is wrong with them
Gone Camping - patient in oxygen tent
Goober - nutter
Gorillacillin - very powerful antibiotic
GORK - God Only Really Knows
Gork - comatose or brain dead
Gorked - unresponsive and nonverbal, either due to sedation or medical condition
Gorked Out - mental impairment through disease or substance abuse
Go to Ground - fall out of bed or chair
Go to Meet Joe Black/Consult Joe Black - die
Gown's Sign, positive - a patient who leaves (self-discharge ) without official discharge orders
GPH - Goddamns Per Hour
GPO - Good for Parts Only (won't survive)
GRAFOB - Grim Reaper At Foot Of Bed
GRAHOB - Grim Reaper At Head Of Bed
Granny Dumping - dumping elderly relative in A&E; often happens just before Christmas or family holiday aka the hospital granny-sitting service
Granny Farm - old persons' residential home, run by a Granny Farmer
Grape Sign - grapes at a bedside, denotes patient has a supportive family and might be candidate for early discharge
Grapes - haemorrhoids
Gravity Assisted Concrete Poisoning - jumped/fell from height
Gridiron Belly - scarred from multiple ops
GROLIES - (UK) Guardian Reader Of Low Intellect In Ethnic Skirt
GTO - Gomer tip over (elderly person with injury from trip or fall)
GTTL - Gone to the light (died)
Guessing tubes - stethoscope
Gun and Rifle Club - Trauma ward full of gunshot and stabbing victims
Gutectomy - major gastro-intestinal surgery; also abdominal fat removal (such as liposuction)
Guts and Butts - general surgery

The rest of the list of terms from the previous section. WARNING: Some inappropriate (PG-13) words are used in these terms!!!

HAIRY PSALMS - Haven't Any Idea Regarding Your Patient, Send A Lot More Serum
Hallucinoma - a mass seen on a scan or x-ray that wasn't really there
HALS - Hit And Left Standing (apparently uninjured but in shock after RTA/MVA)
Hamburger (Helper) - Train or juggernaut vs pedestrian
Hammer - local anesthetic
Hammered - to get numerous admissions while on call
Handbag positive - confused patient (usually elderly lady) lying on hospital bed clutching handbag
Happy feet - (US) patient having a grand mal epileptic seizure (in UK, Happy feet means smelly feet (feet which "hum" [stink])
Happy Little Campers - children in oxygen tents
Hasselhoff – emergency patient with bizarre explanation for their injury (David Hasselhoff's had a bizarre shaving accident in which he hit his head on a chandelier; the broken glass severed 4 tendons and an artery in his right arm)
Hat Trick - trauma patient with 3 tubes into him
Head - a brain-injury patient. Usage - "I’ve got a head I’ve got to deal with."
Head Bonk - an otherwise uninjured patient who was struck on the head and presented at A&E just to be sure
Head whack - head injury
Healthy Goober - dead tumour patient.
Hearts and Farts - unit specialising in geriatrics and cardiology
Heel Elevation Ataxia - a woman who appears staggering drunk, but is sober (or slightly tipsy) and can't walk on seriously high stiletto heels
Hepatology Conference - doctors meeting at a pub or bar (no late appointments, I'm going to a hepatology conference)
Hey Docs (or Haydock) - alcoholics handcuffed to wheelchairs in big-city medical wards who chorus "Hey, Doc! when they see a white coat" (sometimes disguised as "Haydock" which is a UK placename)
Hepatology Conference - doctors meeting at a pub or bar (no late appointments, I'm going to a hepatology conference)
Hi 5 - HIV positive ("V" being Roman for 5)
HIBGIA - Had it before, got it again
High Serum Porcelain Level - Patient is a crock of sh*t
High Slug Titre - lazy patient (slug) that won't get out of bed
Hippo - Hypochondriac or depressive
Hit and Run - the act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another engagement (often a non-medical appointment).
HIVI - Husband Is Village Idiot
HMF - Hysterical Mother Figure
HMO - From phrase, "Hey, Moe!", a concept pioneered by Dr Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough elsewhere. Modern "pokes" with same outcome include estimates for private treatment.
HOPEFUL - Hard-up Old Person Expecting Full Useful Life (i.e. OAPs are not priority for most hospitals)
Hole-in-One - A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum.
Hollywood code - see Slow Code
HOP - house of pain (nursing home)
Hope'n'Scope - exploratory laparoscopy where you hope to find no disease (unless you're the student, in which case you hope to see something interesting)
Horrendoectomy - a long and painful procedures
Horrendoma- an awful unknown disease
Horrendoplasty - A god-awful surgery with a probable poor outcome e.g. difficult operation for 12 hours on a patient with a BMI of 45
Hospital Hobo Syndrome - person who visits multiple hospitals seeking attention or accommodation
Hospitalismo - (Brazil) Revolving-door patient (in-and-out-and-in ....).
Hospital pilantrópico (Brazilo) - (sarcasm) dubiously charitable hospital where profits outweigh philanthropy.
House red - blood
HTD - Higher Than a Duck
HTK - Higher Than a Kite
HTT(A) - Hot Tots and Twats (Area): Paediatrics & Ob/Gyn wing of hospital
Humpty-dumpty doctor - a physiotherapist or rehabilitation doctor (from the nursery rhyme verse "all the king's horses and all the king's men could not put humpty together again")
HVLT - High Velocity Lead Poisoning: gunshot wound
Hypoxanaxemia - patient with anxiety symptoms (Xanax deficiency)

Icing on the Cake - lethal tumor discovered in the X-rays of a heart attack victim.
I fell on it - (also Eiffel Syndrome) universal explanation given by a patient with a foreign object in the rectum
Imaginascope - what you use during radiology rounds to see the lesion the clinician is showing you but you don't see
Improving His Claim - Victim of minor accident, needs no treatment but wants something to support his insurance/legal claim.
Inbreds - doctors whose parents are also doctors
Incarcaphobia - patient is hypochondriac prisoner who prefers hospital to jail cell
Incarceritis - becoming dubiously ill when arrested or in court
Incidentaloma - a usually benign mass (needing removal) found on a scan while looking for something else entirely
Infernal Medicine - Internal Medicine department
Insurance Pain - Neck pain secondary to a minor car bump
Insurance Whiplash - Neck pain secondary to a minor car bump
Interesting Case - A patient transferred from a non-specialist hospital who is an unmitigated disaster with no accompanying chart or documentation
International House of Pancakes - neurology ward full of patients (usually stroke victims) all babbling in a different language.
Intubate Junior/Intubate Willy - catheterise a man (often results in DPS - Disappearing Penis Syndrome)
ISQ - In Status Quo ("no change"): often used during the weekend surgical round
ITBNTL - In The Box, Nail The Lid (dead or dying)
IWB - Intercourse With Biscuits (F**king Crackers)

Jack Bauer - a doctor still up and working after 24 hours (after character in "24")
JAFFA - Just Another Fat, F***ing Administrator
Jailitis - becoming dubiously ill while in custody or in a jail cell
Janitor's fracture - a fracture so obvious that a janitor (cleaner) could diagnose it
JAR or JAR Syndrome – Just Ain’t Right (often used when a patient has multiple issues)
JDLR - Just Doesn't Look Right (something is wrong, but no diagnosis has been made yet)
JIC - Jesus is calling
JLD - Just Like Dad (often used to explain an FLK)
JNR- Just Not Right (something is wrong, but no diagnosis has been made yet)
John Thomas sign (UK), Johnson's Sign (US) - according to tradition, the side that the penis (John Thomas, Johnson) points to (if visible on x-ray) will have an abnormality (see also Throckmorton sign).
Journal of Anecdotal Medicine - favourite, but unwritten, source of medical wisdom
J P FROG - Just Plain F***ing Ran Out Of Gas (old age etc)
JPS - Just Plain Stupid (self induced injury involving lack of common sense)

Kaiser Soze - Registrar with an uncanny ability to disappear (not answer phone or pager) when there is work to be done (from movie 'The Usual Suspects')
KFO - Knock the F*cker Out (patient either obnoxious or screaming in pain)
Kidney Stone Squirm - a spot diagnosis in A&E
Killing Fields - that ward in every hospital where patients go to die
Knife-happy - an overly enthusiastic surgeon
Knife and Gun Club - (US) local street gangs or criminal organizations that keep ER in business OR the emergency departments that care for patients with the results of street gang violence
Knuckledragger - Orthopedic Doctor/Surgeon
KOKO - Keep on Keeping on.

Lancelot - a medic who drains abscesses (called Pokemon in the USA)
Lantern Test - shine a torch in the subject's mouth and the eyes light up (no brain)
Larry - Locum, as in "doing a Larry"
Last Flea To Jump Off A Dead Dog - Oncologists (sometimes other disciplines) who seem unable to let people die with diginity
Laying Crepe - dismal prognosis (i.e. prepare the coffin)
LDF - Lying Down Fit
Leave 'Em Dead - Levofed (aka norepinephrine) , the drug given to cardiac patients to prop up their blood pressure until they die in the ambulance
Leeches - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs
Lerner/Bernstein Fracture - the injury suffered by a patient who is intent on suing someone over his trip or fall (Lerner/Bernstein are ambulance-chasing lawyers in one region).
LFTWM - Looking for 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)
LGFD - looks good from door (but not closely examined, possibly an obnoxious patient)
LGFTC - looks good from the corridor (but not closely examined)
Lignocephalic - wooden-headed (i.e. dense [thick] or stubborn)
Lipstick Sign - if a female patient is well enough to put on, she is well enough to be discharged
Liver rounds - staff party, so called because of liver-damaging alcohol
LMC - Low marble count (low IQ)
Load the Boat - call in senior medical staff as ass-covering exercise
LOBNH - Lights On But Nobody Home
Lobster - sunburned patient
LOFD - Looks Okay From Door
LOL - Little Old Lady
LOLFDGB - Little Old Lady, Fall Down, Go Boom
LOLINAD - Little Old Lady In No Acute Distress
LOLITS - US: Little Old Lady In Tennis Shoes (60+ year old); UK: Little Old Lady In Twin-Set (50-60 yera old)
Loop-the-loop - flamboyant surgical rearrangement of the intestines.
Loose Change - dangling limb in need of amputation.
LPT - Low pain threshold
LRO - Luck Ran Out (cheated death before, but not this time)
LWS - (US) Low Wallet Syndrome (No medical insurance or money)

M & Ms - mortality and morbidity conferences where medics discuss epidemics, mistakes and patient deaths
M sign - Patient just goes "Mmmm"
MacTilt - how a Macmillan nurse (cancer care nurse) tilts his or her head to convey sympathy
MAFAT (May-fat) - Mandatory Anasthaesia F**k Around Time, precedes any incision
Map of Antarctica - (NZ) appearance of fatal spontaneous brain haemorrhage on CT scan
MARPs - Mind Altering Recreational Pharmaceuticals
Marriageable Monster - young female patient who has successfully undergone major plastic surgery.
Masochist - Trauma surgeon; Sadomasochist - Neurosurgeon
Matern-a-taxi - when a pregnant woman calls an ambulance because the contractions are every 2 minutes, but she doesn't have a single contraction during a 30 minute journey to hospital
MCBP - Member of the College of Bystander Physicians i.e. doctor having a look-see
Meat hooks - surgical instruments.
Metabolic clinic - the tea room
Metal Poisoning - what a patient allegedly dies of when he's held together with staples (also gunshot wound)
Meth Mouth – common symptom in methamphetamine addicted patients
MFB - Measure for box
MFC - Measure For Coffin
MFD, CFD - Measure For Box, Call For Dirt (severely ill [or dead or nearly so])
MFI - very large myocardial infarction
MGM syndrome - Faker putting on a real good show
Michelin's Disease/Disorder - multiple spare tyres (obese)
MICO - Masterly Inactivity and Catlike Observation
MICOS - Masterly inactivity, cat-like observation and steroids
Microdeckia - Micro = small, deck = deck of cards; patient playing with less that a full deck (low IQ)
MIDI - myocardial infarction during intercourse (heart attack during sex)
MILF - Mother I'd Like to F**k. US version of GLM who is also PHAT
Milk of Amnesia - Propofol
Mini me - Trainee or medical student who copies their senior colleague too much but doesn’t say a lot (from Austin Powers films)
Mobile Drip Stands - Fire Dept (often found at emergencies alongside paramedics)
Molar masher - dentist
Mononeuronis Asynapsis - thick (one neuron, not connected!)
Mow The Lawn/Trim the Hedge - remove a long line of sutures
MTF - Metabolize to Freedom (i.e., let the person sober up, and then they can leave)
MUH - Messed up heart
Mulambo - (Brazil) poor patients in public outpatient clinics (literally rag + beggar)
MU Pain - Made Up pain (especially for sick notes and insurance claims)
Mushroom syndrome - suffered by lowly medics who are kept in the dark and have crap piled on them
MVA Special - CT scan of head, neck, chest, abdomen and pelvis (on car crash patient)
MVA Special With Gravy (aka MVA Full Meal Deal) - MVA Special plus face

n=1 trial - polite term for experimenting on a patient
NAD - Not actually done
Nastioma – mass that looks like aggressive neoplasia
NARS - Not a rocket scientist (low IQ)
Nebulopathy- strange clinical signs with no "normal" disease apparent
Necrophiles - derogatory term for Pathologists (the love the dead)
Nectar of the Gods - coffee; without which many hospital services would shut down
Negative Wallet Biopsy - (US) patient transferred to cheaper hospital because s/he has no insurance/funds
NETMA - Nobody Ever Tells Me Anything (generally a doctor's gripe on a patient's chart)
Neuro-faecal Syndrome - s**t for brains
Neuron - Neurologist.
Neuroslavery - Derogatory term for Neurosurgery based on the extreme long hours compared to orthopaedic surgery
NFF - Normal Fae Fife (Scottish version of NFN below)
NFN - Normal for Norfolk (rural area, suggests inbreeding or quaint rural oddness), might explain FLK
NFP - Normal for Portsmouth - repeat abortion, said to be particularly rife in Portsmouth, Hampshire, UK (a sailing port)
NFR - Not For Resuscitation; used on elderly patients’ charts where the DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) instruction is without the knowledge of the patient themselves or their family
NGMI - Not Going to Make It
NKDA - Not known, didn’t ask
NLPR - No longer playing records (dying)
NOCTOR- Nurse tht has done a 6 week training course and acts like s/he's a Doctor
No Hopeamine - Dopamine
Not even in the ball game - confused, senile patient
NPS - New Parent Syndrome
NQR - Not Quite Right
NQRITH - Not Quite Right In the Head
NSA - Non-Standard Appearance (what a FLK grows into)

O sign - Patient unconscious with mouth open
OAP - Over-Anxious Patient
OB/GYN - actually means Obstetric/Gynaecology, rumoured to mean "Oh Boy-Got You Naked"
OBE - Open Both Ends (known in UK as DNV - Diarrhoea and Vomiting)
OBECALP - placebo (the rationale being that patients don't realise it's "placebo" in reverse)
OBS - Obvious bullsh*t
Obs and gobs - obstetrics and gynaecology
OFIG - One Foot In the Grave
OFIGATOOS - One Foot In the Grave And The Other One Slipping
Ohno-second - The time from making an error (e.g. dropping that hard-to-get sample immediately after you got it) to going "oh-no"
Oil slick - (1991, NZ) - appearance on CT scan of a porencephalic cyst
Old Man's Friend - (US) pneumonia, an illness which often carried off the elderly
Oligoneuronal - "few brain cells" i.e. thick (not very bright) (Note: In the UK, "dumb" means "mute")
OMGWTFBBQ - a person mangled in a car crash
Ooh-Aahs - Those who gather to gawk at an emergency and go "Oooh, Aaah"
OPD - Obnoxious Personality Disorder
Optorectomy- operation to disconnect the eyeball from the anus, due to such a sh*tty outlook on life
Organ recital - a hypochondriac’s medical history
Orthopod - orthopaedic doctor
Osteocephaly - boneheaded
Ostrich Treatment - pretend it's not there and hope it goes away
OTD&DDR - Out The Door and Down The Road.
OTDPDS - Out The Door Pretty Damn Soon
OTLP - n the launch pad (to be discharged to home)
Overpriced Carpenter - orthopaedic doctor

P4P - Penicillin for Prick (peniecille for penile discharge)
P5T/P-to-the-fifth (see PPPPP) - can also mean bad genetic material or syndromic patient with numerous medical system problems
PAAF - Pissed as a fart (also PIAF -PIssed as A Fart)
PAFO - Pissed [Drunk] And Fell Over
Paint - Betadine (medication)
Pale face - (Brazil) child with leukaemia/severe anaemia.
Paninvestigram - order all the tests; for when you haven't got a clue what's going on
Pan-man Scan - Whole body scan (e.g. after car crash)
Paperweight - (NZ) very small patient with severe congenital mental retardation
Papoterapia - (Brazil) to give the patient a pep talk, chitchat therapy ("papo" = chitchat).
Parentectomy - removing parents as an effective cure for a child's problems
Pathology consult - referral when the patient dies
Pathology outpatients - Follow-up for dead people
Paws Up - dead
PBAB - Pine Box At Bedside
PBABLTO - Pine Box at Bedside, Leave Top Off
PBTB - "pine box to bedside"; indicates an imminent demise
PBS - Pretty bad shape
PBOO - Pine Box On Order
PD - Pencil D**k. General US insult. It gets applied to lazy doctors who pass work on to their peers and should not be confused for that other PD, Program Director (US terminology)
Pecker Checker - either a urologist or a sexual diseases doctor (also the ship's doctor in Naval slang)
Peek and Shriek - open a patient surgically, discover an incurable condition, and close the incision immediately
Pee Pee Docs - urology
PEFYC - Pre Extricated For Your Convenience (RTA victim that has gone through windscreen)
Penal Colony - renal ward/dept, especially when a superbug is on the loose
Percussive maintenance - the sharp tap/bang which cures faulty equipment
Pest control - term applied to psychiatrists by casualty officers
PFH - Parent(s) from Hell (custodians of BFH - Brat From Hell)
PFO - Pissed [Drunk] and Fell Over
PGT - Pissed [Drunk] and Got Thumped
Pharmaceutically Enhanced Personality - stoned or medicated
PHAT - Pretty Hot and Tempting (warning to others)
PHD = Pakistani Healing Dance (a useless procedure performed for benefit of patient and family)
PIA - Pain in the ass
PIAF - PIssed as a fart (also PAAF -Pissed As A Fart)
Pediatron - paediatrician
PID - Pus In 'Dere (PID actually means Pelvic Inflammatory Disease)
PID shuffle - spot diagnosis in A&E (Pelvic Inflammatroy Disease)
Piles - (at beach resort clinics), sunburn cases: angry, hot and red (better known as lobsters)
Pillow positive - (Wales) patients who are repeated admissions for prolonged periods with no physiological cause of their problems. It is joked they go to hospital with their own pillows ready for admission
Pillow Therapy - describes the urge to smother annoying patient (aggressive euthanasia, tontine treatment).
PIMBA - (Brazil) swollen-footed, drunk, run-over beggar ("Pé Inchado Mulambo Bêbado Atropelado")
Pineboxatosis - collection of conditions which lead to transfer to the ECU, usually accompanied by PBTB with positive Q-sign or O-sign
Pink puffer - patient breathing rapidly due to lung disease
Pinky Cheater - Latex finger cover used in gynecological and proctological examinations.
Pit - the emergency room
PITA - Pain in the ass
Pitiático - (Brazil) patients feigning illness.
Plank Positive - stupid, as in "thick as 2 short planks"
Plano Pafúncio - (Brazil) alleged preferential treatment of relatives of hospital employees.
Player - complaining, irritating patient
Please Consult Us If New (Surgical) Issues Arise - please never page me again
Please Optimize Medical Treatment - don't call us until you've done your job first
PLH - Pray Long and Hard
PLTDP - Practice Limited To Dead People
Plumbii Pendulosus - swinging the lead (malingering) anecdotally used on medical certificates to be presented in Court, esp in Magistrates' Court where the Magistrate is known to the Doctor
Plumboscillation - swinging the lead (malingering)
Plumbum oscillans - Latin for "swinging the lead" (malingering) i.e seeking a sick note to take time off work
Pneumo-cephalic - airhead
PNR - person needed ride i.e. minor ailment but called ambulance instead of taxi
Podo-Oral - Foot in Mouth (i.e. put one's foot in it - rarely used BY senior staff, sometimes used ABOUT them)
Pokemon (pronounced Pokey-man) - the medic who drains abscesses (Lancelot (lance-a-lot) in the UK)
Policeman Lesion - lesion on an X-ray so obvious that a policeman would spot it
Poliesculhambado - (Brazil) multi-f*cked-up patient.
Polybabydaddia - a mother who presents to the ER (Casualty) dept with 8 or 9 kids in tow, most of whom were fathered by a different men
Polydipose Dysfunction - big, fat patient (polydipose being invented plural of adipose [fat])
Pop Drop - granny dumping (dumping elderly relative at Casualty dept)
POPTA - Passed Out Prior To Arrival
Porcelain Level - fictitious blood test ordered to communicate to colleague that the patient is malingering (crock of sh*t)
PORG - Person Of Restricted/Retarded Growth (dwarf/midget)
Positive Blue Legs Sign - (US) resuscitation behind closed curtains (US ER medics wear blue scrubs)
Positive Gobbler - turkey i.e. faking illness to get out of drill (used by army medics)
Positive Hilton Sign - demanding patient expects Hilton Hotel luxury; indicates patient well enough to leave!
Positive Suitcase Sign - patients who are repeated admissions for prolonged periods with no physiological cause of their problems. They turn up at hospital with packed suitcases ready for admission
Possible This Possible That - consent form in case exploratory surgery
Post-Weekend Fatigue Syndrome - an ailment which presents at GP surgeries on Monday mornings
Pot Plant - person in a Persistant Vegetative State (often used in plural to mean coma ward)
Pox Docs - clap clinic (sexually transmitted disease clinic) doctors
PPP - Piss poor protoplasm
PPP,PPP - Piss-Poor Protoplasm, Probable Placement Problem
PPPPP - piss poor protoplasm poorly put-together (really old and/or decrepit)
PPA - Practicing Professional Alcoholic
PRATFO - Patient Reassured And Told to F*** Off
Pre-Detention Stress Disorder - a person who feigns medical symptoms when police handcuff him
Pre-stiff - terminally comatose patient.
PSLM (Por Si Las Moscas - because of the flies) (South America) - try some medications just in case (on a no-hope case)
Psychoceramics - psycho-geriatrics
Psycode - Code Blue in a psychiatric hospital i.e. patient passing out from the side effects of medication
Pucker Factor - the degree/speed of constriction of the surgeon's anal sphincter is directly proportional to the patient's risk of sudden death
Pumpkin Positive - a penlight shone into the patient's mouth/ear would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up
Purple (code purple) - when paramedics are called out to a dead body
Purple Plus - called out to collect a dead body that's started to fester
PVC Challenge - To intubate someone.
PWT - Po' (poor) White Trash (with a condition related to their lifestyle)

Q sign - Patient unconscious/terminal with mouth open and tongue hanging out; "Dotted Q" means flies land on tongue (dead/dying). Reversible Q-sign means you can push the patient's tongue back into the mouth to form the O-sign. Irreversible Q-sign means the tongue keeps falling back out of the mouth after it’s pushed back in (very bad sign)
Q-Tip - Elderly person (white haired old person) (Q-Tip is a cotton bud)
Quackpractor - chiropractor
Qwertyitis - what a doctor suffers from when he spends more time on a computer than with actual patients
QID - Queen in distress (hissy fit)

Rabbit - over-talkative (from slang "Rabbit & Pork - talk)
Radio-I-suppose-otope - imaging agent used in Unclear Medicine (Nuclear Medicine)
Raisin Farm - old person's home, geriatric ward etc (also Raisin Farmer - person who runs old persons' home)
Ralphie McYakkers - young drunks vomiting
Rapid Lead Infusion - obnoxious patient ought to be shot
Rays - radiology dept
RBG - Received by God (a person in receipt of a Celestial Transfer)
RBS - Really Bad Shape
Rear Admiral - proctologist
Rear Admiralty - proctology dept
Rectoencephalitis - head-up-own-ar5e syndrome
Red dot - physicians from India, relates to red dot on their forehead
Red pipe - artery (as opposed to "blue pipe" or vein)
Reeker - smelly patient
Removal men - dept of care of elderly people
Retrospectoscope - instrument of hindsight
Rheumaholiday - rheumatology (considered by hard-pressed juniors to be a less busy dept)
Ringo – (after Beatles drummer Ringo Starr) an expendable team member
Roach - a patient, usually a dirtbag/ingrate, that can't be killed despite near lethal complications of an already serious ailment
ROAD - Dermatologist. Acronym "Retired On Active Duty" Akin to "dermaholiday"
Road Chilli - Unrestrained driver/motorcyclist or passenger, ejected and splattered
Road Map - injuries incurred by going through a car windshield face first.
Road Map Abdomen - scarred from multiple ops (same as Gridiron Belly, Zorro Belly)
Road Pizza - Unrestrained driver/motorcyclist or passenger, ejected and splattered
Road Test - to get a drunk patient to walk up and down a corridor; if they pass they are turfed, if they fail they need a bit longer to sober up.
Roasted Goober - tumour after intensive cobalt treatment.
Rock - a patient that stays on your service forever
Rocket Room - a ward/unit where there are many deaths (many transfers to heaven)
Rocking horse stool - even rarer than hen's teeth
Rooters - indigents and hangers-on who gather in big-city emergency rooms in order to be entertained by legitimate cases.
Rose cottage - mortuary
Rothman's sign - tobacco staining of fingers
Rounding Up The Usual Suspects - Ordering a set of tests for a given set of symptoms
RPVU - Relative Porsche Value Unit: surgical index of potential income from the repair of patient injuries, usually orthopaedic in nature. Fractured finger = a windscreen wiper; a fractured hip = new tyres etc.
RT - Room Temperature (dead)
RTT with a BBB - Rat-a-Tat-Tat with a Baseball Bat (hit with blunt instrument).
Rudy Baga - Patient with terminal brain injury, persistent vegetative state (rutabaga is a vegetable).
Rule of Five - if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance
Running Towards the Light - dying

S2 - Sit the f**k down and shut the f**k up
Saddles - Maternity sanitary towels (napkins), so called for their size and the bow-legged effect of wearing them
Samsonite Positive (Positive Samsonite Test) - someone who turns up in emergency with all their luggage (and insists on being admitted to a ward)
San Fran Twist - performing a prostate examination by hooking the index finger in a half-circle upon insertion into the rectum
Sarcoidosis - an actual disease, but a perfectly acceptable answer that may be included in ANY differential diagnosis
SAS - Sick As Sh*t
SBI - Something Bad Inside e.g. undiagnosed cancer/unexpected serious condition found when performing surgery
SBLEO - (pronounced S-B-Leo) Suicide By Law Enforcement Officer
SBOD - Stupid bitch/bastard on drugs
Scepticaemia - chronic condition suffered by two doctors in a debate over which therapy
Scrape and Staple - burns unit
Scratch and sniff - gynaecological examination
Scumdex - 1 pt for every tattoo, extra piercing, IVDU scar, etc. The higher the scumdex, the greater the likelihood of survival. See also TTI
Search and Rescue - Medics allocated to look after the patients dotted in non-medical wards
Sellout - Derogatory term for plastic surgeon in private practice
Sent Over the Hedges - sent to radiology
SEP - Somebody else's problem (not to be confused with sepsis)
September club - the students who have to return after summer holidays for retakes
Serum porcelain - battery of blood tests on an elderly patient
Serum rhubarb - What they test for at tertiary centres
SFS - Stinky Foot Syndrome (often related to homeless)
SF Scale - Sphincter Factor Scale: 1 to 10 scale indicating degree of bowel-loosening in response to an emergency
SHA - Ship His Ass (when patients refuse to be discharged).
SHAD - Syphilitic, Hypochondriac, Alcoholic Degenerate
Shadow gazer - radiologist
Shandy Tap - bloodless lumbar puncture
Shit and Get - to access a trauma patient, say to yourself "Oh Shit!", stabilize and transfer
Sh*ts & Spits - lab tech term for a patient's stool and sputum samples; also the instruction to obtain these samples
Short-Order Chefs - mortuary workers.
Shotgun Labs - to order many lab tests, hoping one will turn up an answer to a puzzling case
Shotgunning - Ordering of a vast array of tests in the hopes that one or other of them will give an idea of what is wrong with a patient
SHPOS - Sub-Human Piece of Sh*t
SHS - Sullen, Hostile, Stupid (often an inner city drug/alcohol addict)
Sick - Really sick i.e. FTD (Fixing To Die) or CTD (Circling The Drain)
Sidewalk Souffle - (US) suicide-by-jumping
Sieve - a doctor who admits almost every patient he sees
SIG - Stroppy Ignorant Girl
SIG - (certain US regions) self-inflicted gerbil (anecdotal)
Significant History - HIV positive
Silver Bracelet Award - patient is a prisoner brought in wearing cuffs
Silver Goose, Silver Stallion - proctoscope.
Síndrome JEC - (Brazil) terminal patient ("Jesus Está Chamando" = "Jesus is calling").
SIO - Sleeping It Off
Slashers - general surgeons
Slough - a patient inappropriately or unfairly unloaded from one hosptial unit on another
Slow Code (to China) - elderly very ill patient who wants everything done so they will not die. Everyone on the medical team disagrees
Smashola - patient with multiple blunt trauma injuries e.g. from car smash
Smellybridge - area between the anus and the back of the scrotum (perineum)
Smiling Mighty Jesus - (US) spinal meningitis (also Screamin' Mighty Jesus)
Smoke the Anaesthetic Cigar/Smoke the Camel - intubated
Smurf Sign - patient blue or going blue
SNEFS/M SNEFS - Subnormal (or Mentally Subnormal) Even For Suffolk (a rural English county)
Snow - to accidently give a patient too much medication/mixed medication so they go into an altered state of consciousness ("Don't snow that patient with Drug X and Drug Y at the same time!)
Snowed - being in a state of altered consciousness due to too much/mixed medication
SNUD - Sick Nigh Unto Death
SOB, SOB, SOB - Silly Old Bugger/B*stard/Bitch, Sitting Out of Bed/Sitting On Bed, Short Of Breath
SOCMOB - Standing On Corner Minding Own Business (when inexplicably injured)
SODDI - Some Other Doctor Did It (when one medic's botched jobs must be put right/answered for by someone else)
Sofa Surfer - homeless person who sleeps on friends' sofas and floors (ends up at A&E for "3 hots and a cot" when s/he has nowhere else to stay)
Soft Admission - an admission that only a "Sieve" would accept
Solomf yoyo - So long, mother-f*****, you're on your own (see "amyoyo syndrome")
Space cadet/Buzz Lightyear - confused patient (dementia or drug-related)
SPAK - Status Post Ass Kicking
Speed bumps - haemorrhoids
Spin the Patient - CT scan
Spots and dots - traditional set of childhood diseases - measles, mumps, and chicken pox
Squash - brain.
Squirrel - eccentric or hypochodriac ("squirrelly") patient who can make life difficult. Found in the phrase "squirrels get sick too" to remind staff that even eccentric patients may have a real medical problem
SRI - Something Wrong Inside (undiagnosable problem)
SSDD - Same Sh*t Different Day (in conjunction with Frequent Flyer)
Stage Mother - person accompanying patient and encouraging patient to exaggerate the complaint (often to obtain a particular diagnosis or to get an unnecessary prescription)
Stamp - skin graft
Status Hispanicus - (US) much like Acute Puerto Rican Syndrome.
Steel Sign - surgical metalwork from previous ops visible on x-ray
St Elsewhere - medical academia's term for any non-teaching hospital
Stem to Stern - throat to pubis incision
Stream team - urology dept
Stupidity Panel - lab test (for patient stupidity) that, when invented, will earns its inventor a fortune (i.e. thick patient)
Sturgeon - surgeon
Sucking The Peace Pipe – intubated
Summer Teeth - some are teeth and some aren't ...
Sunshine - how one addresses an entitled, arrogant patient
Supratentorial - above the falx tentorium/cerebellum i.e. psychosomatic e.g. supratentorial pain
SVRI - Something Very Wrong Inside (usually terminal)
SWAG - Scientific Wild Ass Guess
Sweet Milk/ Mother's Milk - Propofol; a reference to its milky appearance and pain-relieving use
SWI - Something Wrong Inside
SWW - Sick, wet and whiny (infant)
SYB - Save Your Breath (for patients who don't take advice)

Tachylordyosis (with the junctional Jesus) - Usually a middle-aged to older black female American with a complaint of "lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy", occasionally with the interspersed "Jesus" i.e. "lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, Jesus help me, lordy, lordy"
Tachylawdia - as above (variant spelling), but without the "Jesus"
TARFU - Things are really f**cked up
Tash Test - observation suggestive of HIV status (presence of a Freddie Mercury-esque moustache)
TATT (or TAT) - Talks All The Time (also "Tired All The Time")
Tattoo Titre/T&T Sign - indication of patient insanity: more than 5 tattoos indicates likely crazy person
T&T Sign - Tattoo-to-Teeth Sign: survival indicator; those who are tattooed and toothless will survive major injuries
Taint Spot - Perineum: "It ain't this and it ain't that"
Taxidermy Consult - call for a taxidermist's consultation i.e. person about to die
Tax-Sucker - Someone who does not need an ambulance, but calls anyway because it's free
TBC - Total Body Crunch: multiple injuries
TBD - total body dolor i.e. complains of pain everywhere
TBP - Total body pain
TDS - Terminal deceleration syndrome (e.g. RTA death, high-rise syndrome, jump-suicides and parachute-failed-to-open)
TEC - Transfer to Eternal Care i.e. dead
TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
Testiculation – (male) consultant holds forth on a subject with expressive hand gestures, but has little knowledge of the subject.
TF BUNDY - Totally f*cked, but unfortunately not dead yet
TFO - Too F*cking Old (person dying of old age).
TFTB - Too Fat To Breathe
Thank You For This Interesting Consult - this is complete b*llsh*t
THC - Three hots and a cot; sought in A&E by the local homeless
The Fish Plant - Gynaecology/Obstetrics Ward (from Newfoundland, where fisheries is the main industry)
The Garden - neurological ICU where the vegetables (coma patients) live
The Promised Land - private practice/final year of medical school
Therapeutic Monitoring - monitoring a patient purely because it makes the doctor feel better.
Thorazine shuffle - the slow, lumbering gait of psychiatric patients dosed up on phenothiazines
Three-toed sloth - patient with diminished capacities, usually from long-term alcoholism
Throckmorton’s Sign - in the unconscious male, the penis points to the injury
TLC - Tube, Lavage & Charcoal (given to poisoning victim)
TLGP -Two Legged Guinea Pig - patient undergoing experimental or extreme treatments
TLR - Two Legged Rat - refers to a patient undergoing experimental or extreme treatments
TMB - Too Many Birthdays: person dying of "old age"
TMI - Three Meaningless Initials (e.g. John Smith, TMI - applied to medics with qualifications rather than ability)
Toaster - defibrillator
TOBP - Tired of Being Pregnant (especially patient demanding caesarian)
TOG - Tears of Gratitude
Tontine Treatment - Urge to put pillow over face of irritating patient (alludes to a type of will called a "tontine")
Tooth to Tattoo Ratio - Visual determination of basic intelligence. A positive ratio (more teeth then tattoos) is generally better than a negative ratio is bad.
Torture Room - Intensive Care Unit (due to invasive tubes and monitors and experimental treatments).
Tough stick - patient whose veins are hard to find when drawing blood
Toxic Confusional State - Confused, usually elderly, person whose problem is due to constipation (toxic build up in body)
Train Wreck / Shipwreck - a person with more hospital visits/diagnoses then they have years of life
Trambiclínica - (Brazil) a clinic staffed by medical students in order to maximise profits ("fraudulent clinic").
Transcranial Lead Therapy - gunshot wound passing through head
Trans-occipital implants - bullet wound to the head
Trauma Gods - Mythological deities whom A&E personnel believe to be the cause of major emergencies
Trauma Handshake - digital rectal examination - every major trauma patient gets one
Treat ’n’ street - A&E's term for quick patient turnaround
Trick cyclists - psychiatrists
Trigger Happy - a medic that gives a shot [injection] for everything or patient that used call button excessively.
TRO - Time ran out
Trubufu - (Brazil) African-Brazilian obstetric patient (literally "fat, ugly black woman").
T-sign (UK) - the number of untouched cups of cold tea at a deceased patient's bedside. Used as an indicator of approximate time of death (i.e. the patient died but nobody noticed)
TSL - To Stupid to Live
TSS - Toxic Sock Syndrome (often related to homeless)
TTFO - Told To F*ck Off
TTJ – transfer to Jesus
TTR - (UK) Tea Time Review (a ripping yarn?)
TTOAST - Take Them Out and Shoot Them
TTR - (US) Tattoo-to-Tooth Ratio (Dirtbag Ratio)
TUBE - Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination (might happen to a GLM)
Turf - get rid of patient by referring to another team (see also buffing, sloughing and bouncing)
Turn and Baste - incontinence care (roll and clean up patient after a code brown)
TVTP - Tried Vancomycin, Try Prayer (Vancomycin is anti-MRSA drug – it’s resistant to anything else)
TWA - third world assassins. Slang for the allegedly poor medical care delivered by physicians who went to medical school in foreign countries
Twitch - hypochondriac
Two beers - the number of beers every patient involved in an alcohol-related automobile accident claims to have drunk before the accident
Two Dudes - a patient who was in a fight "Two dudes jumped me for no reason" (implying the patient would have one against one assailant)
Two Stops Short of West Ham - (Psychiatry) Barking mad. Barking is slang for "mad" and also the name of a station; it is 4 stops from West Ham, but the psych slang follows the formula "2 sandwiches short of a picnic", "Tuppence short of a shilling" (simple-minded/nuts) - the deficit is alway 2 items. Severe madness is "Dagenham" i.e. "3 stops beyond Barking".
TWSAM - Trash Will Survive And Multiply

UBI - Unexplained Beer Injury
UDI - Unidentified Drinking Injury
UFO - Unidentified Frozen Object: unidentified dead homeless person in the winter
UGLI – Ugly: a patient (usually a child) who looks a bit odd but has nothing wrong with them ULPP - Unlicensed Pharmaceutical Provider (drug dealer)
Unborn Farts/Retained Farts - abdominal bloating due to trapped wind (gas)
Unclear medicine - nuclear medicine
Unfascinectomy - long slog of a procedure
Unfascinoma - long procedure, now getting longer or a procedure that fascinates specialist diagnosticians, but isn't fascinating surgeons
UNIVAC - Unusually Nasty Infection, Vultures are Circling
UPF - Un-Passed Fart (gaseous distended abdomen)
Urban Outdoorsman - Homeless person

VAC - Vultures are Circling (dying)
Vampires - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs (also slang for blood donor service)
VBT - Very Bad Thing
VD - Veak and Dizzy; older person feeling vaguely unwell and presents at ER at 2am complaining of feeling "weak and dizzy"
Vedgy - a patient requiring intensive care, incapable of movement
Vegetable garden - Coma ward
Velcro - Family or friends accompanying patient everywhere
Very Close Veins - varicose veins
Viaggravation - what a doctor gets from a patient who is demanding erectile dysfunction medication on the NHS (not all areas of the UK provide this on NHS)
VOMIT - Victim Of Modern Imaging Technology (i.e. try treating the patient, not the report from radiology; particularly referring to invasive procedures for false positives.
VIP - Very intoxicated person
Virgin Abdomen - patient that has never had abdominal surgery before and therefore has little intra-abdominal scarring
Vitamin D – Diesel (ambulance term). "Give it some Vitamin D" means drive faster
Vitamin H - Haldol; in the case of a drug addict, it means Heroin
Vitamin K - Ketamine. Also called "Special K" (street name)
Vitamin L - Lasix, Levaquin or other familiar drug beginning with L
Vitamin M – Morphine
Vitamin P - Lasix (diuretic) given to stimulate urination (peeing) in post-operative patients; can also mean Prozac
Vitamin V - Valium, Diazepam or iny intravenous sedative
Vitamin Z – Zosyn or Zoloft
VOMIT - Victim Of Modern Imaging Technology (i.e. try treating the patient, not the report from radiology; particularly referring to invasive procedures for false positives.
VTMK - Voice To Melt Knickers (the voice deliberately cultivated by some doctors)

WADHAO - weak and dizzy and hurt all over
WAFTAM - ("woff-tam"): Waste Of F***Ing Time And Money
Wall - a doctor who resists admitting patients at all costs
Wallet Biopsy - (US) free medical test performed by hospital insurance department before patient is treated (UK) similar test in private health sector
Ward 101 - The source of referrals that fills the recipient with dread. (after Room 101 in George Orwells novel 1984)
Ward X - the morgue
Weed Puller - Obstetrician
White cloud - a on-call doctor who has uneventful call nights. As opposed to a Black Cloud
White Lizard - the white coloured "cocktail" given for stomach problems (Black Lizard is similar "cocktail" but contains activated charcoal)
White Mice - tampons
Wig picker - therapist or psychologist
Wilkinson's Syndrome - a patient who has slashed their wrists with a razor blade (after a popular brand of razor)
Will Follow From A Distance - will check your lab results, but will never set foot in your room again
William - (UK) chiropedist i.e. William the corn-curer (William the Conqueror)
Win the Game (or Yahtzee) - to discharge all of the patients from your service, so that you have no inpatients (i.e. no ward rounds) next day.
Winner - a patient with very good luck
Witch doctor - specialist in internal medicine
WITPOMS - Why Is This Patient On My Service
WNL - (Ambulance/casualty) Within Normal Limits, but more often interpreted as We Never Looked
WNL - Will Not Listen; patient won't take medical advice
WoGS - Wrath of God Syndrome (visited upon junior medics by more senior staff)
WOMBAT - Waste Of Money, Brains And Time
Woolly jumper - any non-acute physician
Woolworth's Test - (UK anaesthesia) if you can imagine patient shopping in Woolies, it's safe to give a general anaesthetic
WWI - Walking while intoxicated (and fell over)
Wrinkly - geriatric

YAVIS - Young, attractive, verbal, intelligent, successful.
YMRASU - Your Medical Records Are Screwed Up
YOYO - You're on your own; see "amyoyo" and "solomf yoyo" (also message passed from one doctor to another regarding problem/mystifying cases)

Zebra - an unusually strange or unexpected disease (from the saying "When you hear hoofbeats, the smart money is on horses, not zebras")
Zorro belly - (Brazil) patient who has had multiple abdominal surgeries.

The laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural
phenomenon that seem to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime. The original
intent was an effort to classify these incidents into a list of "laws" that
explained how Anime physics are different from our own (real?) world. It is our hope
that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good
chuckle.

#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply.

#2 - Law of Differential Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is
thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
* Some things have been known to "Float" for a few seconds before plummeting to hit
the ground, vehicle, or someone’s cranium.

#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud
sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust
equals constant velocity.

#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a
mechanical device is, the faster it moves, Armoured Mecha are the fastest objects
known to human science.

#6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero
whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and
lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality- "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of
two ways - either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out
affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human
existence or why the toast always lands butter side down. *NOTE: Sometimes, Anime
heroes or villains never really die! In these rare cases they were a clone or cyborg
and the real hero/villain’s suspiciously missing in "Malletspace", or something.

#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die...
regardless of physical damage. Even when the "Bad Guys" are killed so quickly they
don’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is
attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are
depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color
(usually red or white).

#10- Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a
"Good Guy" kicks the "Bad Guy" in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3
different angles.

(More to come soon)

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe in Israel:

Robert Mugabe goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away.

The undertaker tells the accompanying people, "You can have him shipped home for US$500,000 or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just US$100".

The Zimbabweans go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Mugabe shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100? With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out cholera, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again".

The Zimbabweans replied, 'Long ago a man died here Jerusalem, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead.

We just can't take that chance.'